Give Breather to Men Traumatized by Childbirth

Here’s a topic not easy to talk about: witnessing a birth makes it difficult for some men to be attracted to their wives, writes Dr. Keith Ablow for The New York Times:

(These men) seem to have trouble seeing them as sexual beings after seeing them make babies, trouble reverting to a mind-set in which their wives’ sexual anatomy is just that – not associated with images of new life emerging through the birth canal.

In the age of the “new man,” very little consideration is given to the potentially negative side effects of togetherness in the delivery room. Every man I have spoken with over the past few years knows he is expected to be with his wife when his child comes into the world.

How can anyone explain sitting out such a life-changing moment in the waiting room?

The trouble is that the moment turns out to be both intensely beautiful and potentially traumatic.

I’ve witnessed two Caesarean sections now and neither dampened my sexual desire. Instead, I’m one of those dads awed by seeing a child emerge into this world. Indeed, I feared missing both births because of my long commute between home and work.

Besides, lack of sleep, overloaded days and stress are far more effective at killing my libido than what Ablow describes. But as a whole, I’m lucky my sexual desire has not been negatively impacted by my wife’s two deliveries.

But the issue does seem real. I’ve heard of men getting nauseous or passing out at the first sight of their wife’s blood much less a baby popping out. I’ve heard of men who are deeply traumatized by the whole experience.

Writes Albow:

In the most striking cases, the symptoms that men experience come close to post-traumatic stress disorder, with its roots in the witnessing of an event that involves a threat to the physical integrity of self or others and responding with intense fear, helplessness or horror.

One irony is that male reluctance to talk about the issue may worsen the problem for some guys: “The fact that the subject is taboo also means that a man who is traumatized by the experience may be retraumatized again and again, with each child born to him,” writes Albow.

Because most men do not know how they’ll react until after the event, I suppose there is little that can be done for that first experience other than to respect men who stay way up top with their partner. However, in a culture that insists that men be in the room with their partner during childbirth, maybe we should all be understanding if dad-to-be asks if he can pace restlessly in the waiting room.

Comments

[Gooch]

In my own experience, I found that the 6-week waiting period before you are allowed to resume relations served to erase any possible post-witnessing birth trauma I may have suffered

[Grace]

I had two c-sections. The Hubs and I both agreed that he would NOT look over the drape to see our babies being pulled out of me. That would traumatize him too much. We both knew that. But he was right there next to my drugged up head encouraging and kissing me. THAT'S what mattered.

[Rayne of Terror]

I told my husband in no uncertain terms he was to stay by my head during the birth and the nurse kept telling him to come look. I kept saying no and she was grabbing him and pulling him down to the business end of the event. So he saw the crowning and it didn't seem to hurt him any. I was a little po'd but overall she was a great L&D nurse and stuck up for me in the face of my OB's continual pressure for an epidural. I was a lot more po'd at my OB afterward.

One thing is that article says women ought to think about their husband's state of mind during the birth. How about both parents consider that BEFORE you get to the birth. I remember being a wee bit busy to be thinkinng about my husband's state of mind.

[brettdl]

Gooch: Yeah, waiting does make you um, forget negative visual images.

Grace and Rayne: My wife asked me to stay up front the first time, which I did. But on the first baby, the doctor said take a picture "now."So, I held up my camera blindly and took a few pictures. So, while I didn't really see anything on the first birth, we have it memorialized in photographs.

On the second baby, they practically took down the tent blocking my view, so I saw a lot more. I was more excited about hearing our baby cry and busy taking pictures to worry about what I was seeing. I figured, we memorialized the first one, so why not the second? That's how I got this

picture.

For some reason, fortunately, I dissociate what I saw in surgery from day-to-day life. I guess I'm lucky I can do that.

Rayne: Yeah, I agree with your last point.

[chip]

traumatized? I find that hard to believe! I was at both births and actually ended up helping deliver my son at a birthing center. I don't like watching operations or blood or anything, but this struck me as anything but gruesome. It was really miraculous and I highly recommend it to all dads.

It simply never occurred to me that witnessing the births would at all change my attitude toward my wife. I don't know, maybe I'm just weird...

[brettdl]

Well, the NYT story says only a few men react in this negative way, but I definitely have met a few dads who freaked out over the birth. I suspect a lot has to do with how some men are raised.

[Phil]

Like you, I was there for two C-sections. But there was no way I was looking over that curtain, and nobody insisted that I do. I kept my eyes firmly on my wife's face and simply listened to all the snipping, sucking, squishy sounds.

I'll never forget when my son was born, the doctor parted whatever skin and organs they do, peered down at my son, and said, "Peek A Boo"... Those were the first words he heard. Then she lifted him up out of there and said to me, "Look!"

I looked. What a wonderful sight. But then they quickly gave him to a nurse to be cleaned. Right behind him, on the wall, was a slanted mirror that gave me a clear view of the field of operation. Which was not a pretty sight. And yes, I'm squeamish when it comes to blood.

Luckily I quickly remembered my son off to the left and grabbed my video camera to tape him turning from blue to yellow to white.

With my daughter, I remembered that mirror was there and kept my eyes much lower.

[brettdl]

They had a mirror in there? Was that so you could see if you wanted to or just a coincidental location?

[Phil]

Good question... I assumed it was for the staff who were standing away to one side, like the anasthesiologist or the nurses who were waiting to care for the baby. It was about six feet up on the wall, just beyond the foot of the operating table, too low for my wife to view (the curtain blocked it).

Now that I think about it, I'll bet it was for the anasthesiologist. He was sitting behind my wife's head and had no way to see the field of operation without standing up.

[brettdl]

I bet the mirror is common in a lot of surgical delivery rooms, then. Guys beware!

[Renee]

I remember the mirror! Early in my first labor I noticed a large mirror on wheels in the corner of the room. When asked, I was told if I wanted they would position it so I could view the birth myself. No, thank you. It was painful enough for me without visual stimulus.

And my husband, who has dealt with a vast number of gruesome crime scenes and decaying bodies in his 16 years on the LAPD, was strictly a "north-end" coach during the labor and delivery. We did get a photo of our second similar to Lael's, Brett, because the Doctor ordered him to "take a picture, NOW!" and he obeyed without thinking. Don't think he got by easily, though. The epidural made me sick and he had to hold the bucket while I hurled between contractions. I think at that point he would have rather been on the south end!

[brettdl]

My wife nearly became sick from her spinal. I was spared but she could barely stay awake.

Check out mommy's eyes in this picture.

[Erin]

While some men may be traumatized by the birth experience… are the laboring women any less traumatized/changed? In this day and age I find it ridiculous that a man would choose to stand idly by in the waiting room. It’s not as though Mommy-to-be can choose not to be there for delivery, and Daddy-to-be is just as responsible for this new life. In my opinion (I had a very difficult & traumatic labor), if my husband had chosen not to be there I would have felt incredibly abandoned at a time of great need. He is my partner in life good and bad, and I needed him with me for comfort, reassurance and support. If he had decided not to be there I believe I would have thought less of him as a husband and a man. Everyone has to renegotiate their love life after the birth of a child; you’re not the same people that you were before. If you let it, the birth of a child can be amazing for your sex life… no matter what the birth experience was like. For the first time you get to see your spouse as Mommy or Daddy; you get to see them holding YOUR child. It’s like getting to see your spouse hold onto and cherish the most helpless and vulnerable parts of yourself. Who would ever give that up at the thought of a little blood?

[brettdl]

Erin, I was there for my wife, and think that as a general rule men should be there for their child's delivery. But I can also see that it is not for every man.