Permissive Parenting Detractors Gaining Traction in Recent Years

When I was a preteen, some of my friends were free to watch unlimited TV or to go to the local ice cream store to play video games nonstop for hours.

Part of that was a symptom of both parents being at work, but much of this freedom given to kids was part of the permissive parenting movement of the 1970s and 1980s. During this era, it was believed that children should be free to explore with minimal rules and regulations.

As a teen, I actually agreed with my bus driver, who was very much in the Crankshaft cartoon character mold. This grumpy driver felt that kids did not receive enough structure from their parents. Okay, Grumpy actually used the word “discipline.”

As you may have noticed, most of my commenters on this site do not believe in permissive parenting. Many have turned off or thrown out the TV. While these parents heap love on their children, they provide distinct, thought-out structure.

The dismantling of the permissive parenting movement may be well on its way. If American kids were parented as strictly as Madonna polices her own, she never would have become rich and famous in the first place.

“Television is poison,” she tells the press, which is repeated in this interesting piece in The Australian. Madonna only allows for a single video on Sunday and her kids lose the bedtime story if they misbehave. Horrors, Madonna and I have parenting concepts in common.

Another hint that parenting culture in the Western world is changing: two sisters wrote a book about how their strict Korean parents controlled their childhood to make sure they succeeded in life, reports The New York Times. My guess is that most Americans are not ready to be quite as extreme as the parents of Dr. Soo Kim Abboud and Jane Kim, but the fact that their book –Top of the Class: How Asian Parents Raise High Achievers – can be published illustrates how parents today have changed.

Here’s their philosophy in a nutshell, according to the Times:

Dr. Abboud and Ms. Kim … believe that Asian-Americans succeed in part because Asian parents are willing to sacrifice their own leisure time to micromanage their children’s educational progress.

Taking this strategy to such an extreme can backfire, of course. New York radio host Minya Oh, for example, resisted her parents push to become an architect. And friends and family are always regaling me with stories of children who rebelled because of strict parenting.

That of course brings us to that most famous but often maligned word: balance. We strive to provide Seth both structure and freedom to explore. We let him watch some TV, just not unlimited amounts. We put limits on how many cookies he can have or only allow them in certain circumstances.

My wife and I don’t agree all the time, but we work through each issue to find an answer. As a whole, I’d say we’re more easygoing than Madonna. For example, we will let Seth negotiate some of his privileges and sometimes we forget our own rules.

Regardless, Seth is growing up with the freedom to explore while understanding that he has rules and obligations to meet. Our balanced approach seem to be working just fine.

Comments

[The Zero Boss]

Asia Carrera's parents also pushed her. Whether that turned out for better or worse is, of course, a matter of perspective.

[brettdl]

Well, I'm sure there are plenty of other factors in her upbringing we don't know about.

[chip]

yes, but all should be aware that this is absolutely NOT an endorsement of the kind of crap that right wingers push as "discipline", which is really a mix between abuse -- physical and psychological -- and reinforcing the worst aspects of patriarchal authority. My approach is focused on discipline yes but making sure kids have autonomy and feel secure making their own decisions. I don't want little submissive and silent kids, I want kids with spunk and spirit. "permissive parenting" did the opposite of that I think, as does the authoritarian style of the past.

[brettdl]

Chip, oh yeah, I am definitely against the harsh upbringing some people believe in. Screaming, threats, physical abuse is not a parenting tool. I'm just talking about structure, limits and guidance. And it's still better to redirect bad behavior than to get angry or use threats.

Like you, I want to encourage my kids to think broadly and freely. My hope is to give them the tools to realize whatever dreams they want to accomplish in life.

[Phil]

Couldn't agree with you more, Brett. It's hard to find that balance. I basically want to "train" my kids to make good decisions for themselves when they're older. I tell my son all the time that life is full of choices, good and bad. If you make the good choice, you get rewards like friends, salary, respect, fun. You make the bad choice and you get the punishment, like bad grades, jail, loneliness, low-paying job.

I am struggling with the proper amount of freedom to dole out to my kids as they mature. I have no models to base my decisions on. My wife and just have to kind of wing it. But one thing my kids know, no matter how much freedom they have and choices they have to make, we are there for them no matter what. I tell my son all the time, "You can always talk to me, ask me anything, I'll always be here for you if you need me." Hopefully that gives them the confidence and resources to make the right choices in life. Fingers crossed!

[brettdl]

Phil, you sound like such a good dad.