DadTalk

It Takes a Village to Raise Bullies

I’m beginning to believe that bullying is not a problem of two parents and a child; it seems to be a problem of entire communities.

When a bully named Scott targeted me in junior high (middle school), it wasn’t just him. It was Scott, his six friends and the school’s principal.

One day, Scott informed me during the bus ride to school that he wanted to beat me up. His anger toward me was intense, but I never knew why.

Word got out by late morning that there was going to be a big fight off campus. Being shy at that age, I had told no one.

Toward the afternoon, the principal caught me in the hallway and told me that if I fought, I’d be suspended or thrown out of school. I told him that I didn’t want to fight, but that Scott and company planned to gang up on me at my bus stop.

“That’s your problem,” the principal said. “Just get out of the fight.”

U.S. Economy: Do You Feel Lucky Punk, Well Do You?

With the holiday shopping season upon us, I thought it time again to bring up that huge gray cloud hanging over American consumers: the economy.

As you may recall, I’ve been warning that the economy will follow the housing market into the abyss. So much so, that some of my friends tease me about my “sky is falling” persona.

Laugh. Sigh.

I don’t like the fact that the economy is headed for what I suspect will be the worst recession in our lifetimes. And I don’t like to unnecessarily alarm people.

What I want doesn’t matter when it comes to the economy. What I wanted was home values to appreciate steadily over the years. Instead prices bubbled over into a turbulent sea known as foreclosures and credit woes.

The same is true of the economy. I would love nothing more than a steadily growing economy that provides plenty of havens to safely invest my children’s college funds.  Instead, my gut tells me that housing woes will ooze into the rest of the economy early- to mid-2008.

For once, I’m not alone in this assessment; doom and gloom stories abound:

How CEO’s Became a Hit

A fellow blogger sent me a link to an article by Larry Ballard, who explains that some CEO’s credit their dads for helping them develop the traits needed to be successful.

How did they do that? By spanking, swatting, paddling or cuffing the great big CEOs when they were little. He ends the column by saying, “So thanks, Dad.” Ballard doesn’t seem to be satirical here, unless I missed something.

The columnist apparently was reacting to a USA Today story earlier this month backs up his contention. Here’s what CEO’s told the newspaper:

• “I received the belt when I deserved it. … I’m disciplined, detailed and organized.” – David Haffner, Chief Executive Officer of Leggett & Platt
• “You knew that if you didn’t cut the grass right away or chop wood or feed horses, you were going to get a spanking. – Nick Turner, 33, the chief financial officer of executive recruiter Kaye-Bassman International
• “I got the ‘this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you’ speech from my dad. I don’t think spankings influenced my life one way or the other” – Mark Cuban, billionaire owner of Dallas Mavericks and chairman of HDNet
• “If I came home late, chances are I’d get hit. If my parents found out I was someplace I wasn’t supposed to be, I’d get hit.” – Joe Moglia, CEO of Ameritrade

I’m beginning to understand why I turned out so average when it comes to the corporate world. My dad didn’t live long enough to pound me into a pulp. Apparently the one or two spankings I received just weren’t enough.

Had he lived, here’s the trajectory I might have enjoyed:

• On my 10th birthday, dad sits down with me to have a man-to-man talk: “Life is hard son. Who do you think the winners are in this lion-eat-sheep world? So you see, this whupping I’m about to give you will make you a better man.”
• Dad vigorously shakes my hand at my Bar Mitzvah saying, “You see son, that beating I gave you last year finally got that notion outta your head that God doesn’t exist. Now that your on the right path, you are free to understand what is really important: do what other people tell you until you are running your own massive corporation.”
• At my high school graduation, dad takes me out to the lake where he finds a large branch. “But why dad? I graduated with honors just like you asked.” His response: “Well son, you’re headed off to college next fall, and I don’t want you to forget any of these valuable life lessons. This last whupping makes you a man.”
• Shortly after college, I begin my own biotechnology company Mutate, which rearranges cells to my liking, and quickly crush all other competitors in the world.
• By my 30s, my big, powerful company is larger than most industrialized nations. I use it to deliver new improved wheat to Third World Countries for free – bankrupting small local farmers who are clearly using inferior crops.
• By my 40s, I explain to my kids as I wallop them, that they can build an even bigger company, maybe one that takes over the world. They just need to remember that their sore arses will teach them discipline and model-citizen behavior as defined by today’s culture.

And now a line for people who don’t read my site regularly: this is satire. My dad never would have been like that, and I of course strongly believe that there are far better ways to teach your children discipline than whacking them.

In fact, every time I yell at my son for doing something wrong – usually dangerous things like trying to beat his sister’s head into the rug – I feel I’ve failed. I’m constantly looking for better approaches, that do not involve even screaming. That’s because I strongly believe that as humans, we are smart enough to teach our kids life lessons that do not devolve into beating them.

No Child Left Behind Throws Gifted Kids Off Field-Trip Bus

In sixth grade my teacher ran out of math to teach me. His solution was to have me “tutor” some of the slowest kids.

I looked at my teacher like he was nuts. Didn’t he know that was like painting a big target on my back that said, “Beat me up after school?”

Having no choice, I walked up to math-challenged kids and said, “Um, I’m supposed to help you with some of those problems, but…”

Before I could get the next words out, the boys started to threaten me. But I was ready for them.

“Hey, I’m with you. Let’s just pretend that I’m tutoring you and then we can go our merry ways.” Or something like that.

It worked. The boys not only left me alone, we became friends of sort. After a few days, I told my teacher I helped them all I could, but that I was still out of math to study.

So he stuck me in the Learning Center with Algebra study cards. Soon, two friends of mine joined me and those “study” hours turned into quiet “chat” time.

My suburban elementary school was new and well funded for the day, but there was little money for gifted children. Worse, there was a belief that gifted children should be held back for the benefit of the other kids.

The result was years of boredom and frustration for me and my friends. While the situation was bleak in the 1970s, it may be worse today as No Child Left Behind siphons money and energy away from gifted programs.

The Bush Administration has repeatedly killed the $9 million Javits Act, the only federal funding for gifted elementary and middle schools programs, reports The New York Times. Each year Congress had the sense to restore the paltry program.

Not only are schools cutting back on science and history coursework, they are also eliminating field trips, adds The Times. One small study shows a 20 percent decline in visits to museums over the last few years. That means increased boredom for many gifted kids.

While many parents understand how to keep a gifted child engaged, a poor school setting can cause serious problems. Gifted children develop poor study habits if they are not constantly engaged. Sometimes, under-challenged kids can become moody or appear hyperactive.

Considering how business and policymakers constantly harp on how important it is to remain globally competitive, you would think funding gifted programs would be a no-brainer. But no, America’s policies seem more dedicated to fostering a class divide that benefits those who can better fund their children’s education.

Besides, it’s difficult to get public sentiment worked up about a bunch of smart kids sitting bored in school all day.

Previously:

• Which School System Do You Want to Live in?
• The High Price of Private Schools
• Algebra Is at Root of Denied Diplomas

Older Boys Often Pummel Younger Siblings, Studies Find

We’ve been spending a lot of time lately peeling Seth off his younger sister, Lael. Our boy usually isn’t trying to hurt her, but his playful exuberance often upsets her.

Most of Seth’s antics seem to revolve around getting our attention away from Lael. Every now and then, though, anger or jealousy flares on his face, which we react to immediately by removing our boy from the situation.

Apparently, many siblings behave much, much worse, reports The New York Times. In fact, the story opens and closes with a man who was repeatedly pummeled by his older sibling when they were growing up. The level of violence the victim describes is shocking. While I rough-housed with my younger brother, I certainly didn’t pin him down and repeatedly beat him.

But siblings can be quite vicious. Consider these numbers, from a study mentioned in the Times:

• 35 percent of children report being attacked by a sibling.
• 13 percent of those attacked were injured.
• 6 percent were attacked with a weapon.
• 40 percent were attacked repeatedly.

There is no question that the ultimate responsibility falls with the parents. This problem can’t be blamed on TV or candy.

It is also clear that a strong dad can make a huge difference in preventing such abuse from occurring. An indifferent or uninvolved dad is a strong indicator of unchecked sibling rivalry.

It’s something I will keep I mind as my kids get older.

Essay ‘Mean Society’ Complicates Job of Good Parents

The last few days I’ve been wrestling with a strange parenting question: how do I explain to my kids why mean, ruthless, greedy people often win in our society?

I don’t have to look far for evidence of this: Think Bill O’Reilly, whose bombast is so strong I can’t even listen to him for more than a few seconds. Think Vice President Dick Cheney who uses his post to bully his critics into silence. Think President Bush who uses henchman like Karl Rove to railroad a warped belief system down America’s collective throat. Or is it the other way around?

Democrats don’t get off the hook, either, it’s just that fewer are on the national stage right now. As a group, they’ve been very busy pointing fingers at everyone for their electoral problems except themselves. And Democrats often vote for the same lousy policies pushed by the Republicans.

In the meantime, our society continues to treat people like crap in all walks of life. Corporations are slicing pensions to shreds (The firm at which I work at announced this week that our defined-benefit pensions are being frozen and replaced with expanded 401k options.) Wal-Mart treats its employees like virtual slaves and causes harm to many communities.

Politicians are allowing greater and greater damage to occur to the environment, such as drilling in the Alaskan refuge. The poor are left to fend for themselves, whether it be in education or after Hurricanes such as Katrina. And for goodness sakes, our CIA may have torture prisons around the globe.

What really makes me cringe, is the message that rides alongside the horrible behavior and deeds occurring in our nation today: Those who are mean, ruthless and greedy win the highest positions in today’s society and become the wealthiest. While many successful people today are NOT mean, ruthless and greedy, our society and culture is glorifying the negative message.

Most of us do try to play by the rules, but as the nice people in this nation get pushed further and further down the economic and even social ladder, what will our kids think? Will they see the victors for the pretenders and losers that they are? Or will they decide to join the side of false success?

I know what I’m going to do: I will teach my son and daughter to treat people fairly and equitably. I will teach them that hard work is more rewarding to their souls, but may not always provide the richest monetary rewards. I will teach them to be honest and mindful of the things that are really important in life. But I do so with a slight degree of trepidation as I watch the very worst of our society dominate it.

The Continuing Saga of Violent Preschoolers

I really feel bad for preschool teachers; they get a raw deal. Just six days ago I wrote that our new preschool teacher had calmed down the ruffians of last year’s class, but since then, there have been two more incidents.

My wife witnessed the first one five days ago. D apparently slapped my son in the face while at lunch. He then proceeded to slap a girl in the face immediately afterward. The teachers quickly moved the boy into time out, my wife reports.

Then right before lunch on Friday a smaller boy somehow irritated D, who responded by shoving his head hard into a metal door. The smaller boy of course burst into tears.

When it comes to boys, I’m not surprised at a little light hitting or slapping even though I highly dislike it. But this was a calculated, deep-down mean, adult-like physical attack.

The teachers were quick to calm things down and separate the boys. I made a comment to the effect that maybe D needs to be taken out of school until his parents, who apparently are separated, can work out D’s issues.

While I can understand the teacher’s sentiment that we shouldn’t just kick out troubled children, I admit upfront that I’m somewhat selfish when it comes to my son’s best interests. But as Phil over at A Family Runs Through It and KittyBean point out, mean kids are everywhere. There simply is no place to hide.

That doesn’t meant we can’t manage the situation. The preschool teachers took such swift control of the situation in both incidents, that I think Seth will learn that violent behavior won’t be tolerated. And certainly this boy won’t be visiting our home until his parents work out the violence issues.

But if my wife and I find violent behavior spreading to multiple children on a regular basis, then we will consider the option of pulling Seth from the school. Fortunately, I don’t think that will happen.

I suspect we will face much tougher situations once Seth enters elementary school, where parental input is more limited and politically complicated. If you have any doubt, read these fantastic posts by DaddyChip on dealing with a bad principal: Part I, Part II, Part III.

As someone recently said to me, parents grow as people almost as much as kids do. It’s so true. When I was young, I could get away with being passive about politicians, school administrators and our troubled society. But now that I’m a parent, it seems I must be ever vigilant in dealing with society’s ills and how it impacts my children. And here I thought my wife and I were just raising children.

New Preschool Teacher Subtracts Fear From Classroom Equation*

Seth has been back in preschool for one week now and what a difference. Unlike his last class, which I write about here and here, the new teacher already has her students healthfully under control.

The kids are already playing better together and they seem to be acting out less. Sure, they’re a bit older, but Seth’s break from summer school was only two weeks.

What I really like about this teacher is she seems to fully understand how to handle rambunctious children. She simply does not tolerate acting out, but she takes care of it in a controlled, professional manner.

It’s marvelous. She has a deep-ingrained structure that really works for the kids, including activities that involve the parents.

One includes the sharing can, which Seth brought home for the weekend. The elected student picks something to share with his classmates – parents may have to help a bit – fills the beat up old can with his/her choice, writes down three clues and then classmates try to guess what’s in the can. Everyone in the class gets to pass around the object or share the booty afterward.

The one who guesses first brings the can home next. Apparently, Seth guessed that there was a phone in the most recent can, so he’s going to fill up the can with grapes for Monday’s class.

The clues coming out of Seth’s class reveal this is going to be a great school year. Why? In the last class, Seth – and other children – begged their parents to not leave. Now when we tell Seth we’re leaving he waves his hand “bye,” and indicates he wants us to vanish already. He’s so involved in play, he doesn’t even ask for a hug. That’s the benefit of not being in fear of other kids.

Yea!

*Update: Read about the newest developments here.

So I Won’t Be Loved By Son’s Schoolteachers

Sometimes it matters not how nicely or carefully you craft your words. It doesn’t matter that you say, “I truly like Seth’s teacher, but the kids in her class are more than she and her assistant can handle.”

Or, “I don’t think it’s the teacher’s fault; the problem is largely two or three particularly out-of-control children.”

Or, “Look, I know boys will be boys, but I just think it’s important to have this discussion because I don’t want my son growing up to hate or fear school.”

These are some of the things I said (paraphrased) to the administrator at Seth’s preschool in regards to my growing concern that some of Seth’s classmates are getting a wee bit too wild, which I wrote about here.

The administrator tolerated me for about 45 minutes or so, before begging off the conversation. I felt good about the phone call because she listened and responded well, and put things in context.

The administrator revealed, for example, that the kid Seth was seen pushing has a biting problem, which would explain the mark I found on his leg. And she let me vent about some of the frustrations we’ve experienced in the first year. And she seemed genuinely surprised about Seth picking up the phrase “I kill you,” from other classmates.

But somewhere along the way, my message slowly and subtly changed when the administrator talked to the teachers. Seth’s future teachers seemed a bit nervous and non-talkative later that day. Seth’s current teachers seemed a bit standoffish and clearly were defensive.

Suddenly, they equated Seth with the other kids. Suddenly, he’s an instigator, not the sweet kid they had been telling us he is. If that’s true, which to some degree it probably is, then they should of told me sooner. We would have dealt with it immediately. We do not tolerate hitting or violence in this household.

The teachers did say that most of Seth’s hitting was along normal ranges for kids of his age. Since that’s probably true, then I’m not sure the teachers grasped my message: that some of the kids in their class are acting beyond the normal range. Some engage in fisticuffs when they’re not watching. Some engage in dangerous play almost nonstop. Some are saying things that need to be addressed immediately. One child in particular, displays violent, antisocial behavior.

The lead teacher, who I do like, did mention some positive steps that they were going to take not only now, but in future classes. I’m genuinely glad to hear that.

As I said in my original post, the overall situation is not that bad – my intent was to nip it in the bud before it became a real problem. After all, damn it, he’s my son and I’m going to do what it takes to make sure he gets the best educational experience my limited resources can provide him.

Granted, I don’t want teachers punishing Seth out of hatred for me, but it’s not my goal in life to be loved by Seth’s current and future school teachers. My goal is to make sure that Seth has every skill – from social to academic to athletic – possible at his disposal to do whatever he wants in life.

Time for Action as Kids in Preschool Get Too Wild*

I am not, by nature, a laid-back person. My co-workers will all confirm this statement. They openly joke about this aspect of my personality.

Even when I relax I tend to be a bit intense. I spent six hard-earned vacations riding my bike around the country when I was younger. I’m equally intense about my role as a father.

At the same time, I like to be fair and just. When bad things happen to Seth at preschool, which he attends six hours a week, I carefully investigate what happens. I stay calm, cool and collected. I understand that boys will be boys and Seth will have to learn how to handle all types of people in his life.

But during this last month of paternity leave – which ends today – my relatively limited patience is at a breaking point. For some reason, Seth finds himself surrounded by 3-year-olds who are “wild” even according to the teachers. They push and hit far too often for my tastes.

If my wife is having a bad day with Seth, I don’t need to look at my watch to know it is a Tuesday or Thursday. I repeatedly spent weekends unteaching the bad things Seth learned from the other kids.

A while back, for example, Seth got into the habit of saying, “I kill you.” Where did he learn this? It had to be preschool, since the only thing he watches are shows we buy, such as The Wiggles, Tubbies and Blue’s Clues. He never heard such an expression in this household.

Several times I’ve walked onto the playground to see some of these kids taking swipes at each other. While I’ve never seen Seth take a swing, teachers tell me he will when pushed hard enough. One teacher claims Seth was hitting and pushing other kids without provocation – which I doubt – so I had a talk with him.

I essentially said that hitting was wrong. If other kids are hitting you, tell the teacher rather than strike back. It’s not easy for me to tell him this because what I really want him to do is wallop any kid who bothers him.

Yet several times I’ve had to physically intercede to protect Seth from what we all consider the “worst” child in the class. I’ll call him Wild Boy I.

Seth seems to be thriving in the class, so I “chilled” as much as possible. But two weeks ago, I found what looked like a round bite mark on Seth’s leg. He said no, he ran into something. Okay, I let that go since he had no reason to lie. The mark could have been anything.

When I picked Seth up on Thursday, he had a cut under his eye. The teachers say he and Wild Boy II were fighting over a toy wood hammer used to pound pegs into holes. The teacher said Seth was upset that Wild Boy II had picked up the hammer I had been using right before I left.

Later, I couldn’t get anything coherent out of Seth about what happened. On Saturday night, though, my son started telling me the “school story.” The focal point? The two wild boys were trying to “spank” him with sticks.

I quietly and calmly let him tell me the story without leading him on. I’m still not clear about what happened, but it no longer matters. I’ve had enough. Seth has never even heard the word “spank” in this household, which he seems to think means hit.

So, this week I’m going to talk to the school’s administrator about what is going on in class and insist that things be brought under control. While the situation may resolve itself as Seth graduates to a new class in September, I’m not waiting until then. Preschool should be about fun and learning, not how to fend off spankings from future thugs.

*Update: To read about my conversation with the school administrator, click here.