A few weeks ago, Philip at The Blue Sloth asked me to write an essay following these instructions. I was flattered. I also was swamped. But as Philip mentions, bloggers are the Vanguard of a new literary and intellectual movement. I am reprinting the essay here, but follow this link to Philip’s site for all the essays in the Vanguard project.
I was sitting in a dark room unable to make out the face behind the desk placed about 35 feet away. The college student read off from a list of words. They went something like this:
Sunny
Cookies
Warm
Chocolate
Happy
I was then supposed to fill out a survey that revealed my mood. Very happy, happy, neutral, sad, very sad. Or something like that. My response was sad, because I had arrived to the clinical study a bit grumpy.
The words changed:
Dark
Destruction
Violence
Explosion.
I smiled.
Gloom
Doom
Armageddon
I was giggling. By the time I had heard the last word – there were many more – I was practically falling off my chair with laughter. I filled in the oval for “Very happy.”
When I got up, I could see the psych student was looking at me with an odd expression; he seemed upset, frightened almost. By the fifth word in the experiment, which I was required to undergo for my college psych class, I knew how I was “supposed” to react, but I couldn’t help myself.
When it was over, I asked about my responses, “I’m guessing that I wasn’t supposed to laugh at all those dark words?”
“No.”
“Why, how many people actually laugh at the negative words?”
“Less than 5 percent. You’re my first.”
“Oh.”
Although the word “contrarian” generally applies to economics, I do fit the definition:
An investment style that goes against prevailing market trends by buying assets that are performing poorly and selling when they perform well.
There is something deep in my psyche that says, “I hate the status quo. Let’s do everything different.” It’s hard to explain just how differently I sometimes behave. My wife, co-workers and bosses go nuts because I disagree or challenge everything.
If the economy is going up, I say, “Well, it must be about to go down.” When it’s going down I say, “Well, it’s going to go up soon.”
Despite this, years as an employee nearly crushed this personality quirk. As a result, I have failed to accomplish many of the goals I originally set out for myself. Making it to the Los Angeles Times turned into a trap, rather than a victory dance. Instead of writing ground-breaking news stories, I manage computer systems. It’s been a very difficult lesson to accept, but perhaps the most important one I’ve ever learned.
Having my two children, deep introspection and my blog have brought my contrary nature back to the forefront with a vengeance. I’m about to embark in a series of life changes that I am not ready to talk about, but will be the first steps of a new path I am beginning to visualize.
It’s one of the best things to have ever happened to me. I’m back to challenging authority, questioning our culture and getting out of the employee mindset. You can read it in my writing; you can hear it when I talk.
I see sunlight coming through the clouds. Oh wait, that’s just the marine layer. My sense of humor has returned and that is a clue that I’m becoming much happier.
There is something more important than my “self” in this equation. I have always believed that mankind is in serious danger. I realize many do not agree. But I feel we are at a point in its history where questioning, challenging and doubting the cultural and political status quo are the single most important tools we have to navigate the modern and not-so-modern threats we face: global warming, economic meltdown, the energy crisis, world conflict, corrupt political systems, disastrous education policies, the coming health crises….
Our generation will be called upon and eventually be held accountable for what happens next in a way not seen since World War II. If we don’t address some of these overwhelming problems, our children will remember us for our failings. And suffer severe consequences.
For me, it all goes back to a simple conversation I once had with my grandfather:
“Boy, I’m glad I’m not growing up in your generation.”
“What do you mean by that?” I asked.
“Your generation is going to face worse things (than mine did): Maybe a nuclear war, a bad economy, crappy schools and things I can’t even think of yet,” he went on to explain.
I spoke back filled with a teen’s anger: “Well, then it’s your generation’s fault. It created all these problems, didn’t it? Your generation should be fixing them not making apologies.”
Since that time, I’ve remembered this conversation (approximately) and it has stuck. I don’t like being a hypocrite. This may sound a bit strange, but I believe that fighting for mankind’s long-term survival is part of being a good parent.
A great education does my children no good if they grow up in a chaotic society always on the verge of war or social meltdown. Maybe the world doesn’t seem that way to you. It does to me. I can’t help it, I guess. I always take the contrary viewpoint.
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