DadTalk

States Often Keep Most of Poor Dads’ Child-Support Payments

Some policies make so much sense you just want to pin a blue ribbon on the government officials that thought them up. Take for example, the collection of child-support payments from absent fathers, most of which state governments keep.

Why would a state hunt down a delinquent dad, garnish his wages and then keep some of the money meant for his wife and kids? Because those wife and kids are a welfare burden on the government of course. I guess getting mom and the kids off of welfare by passing the money directly to them is counterintuitive.

If you think I’m making this up, read this confusing article in The New York Times, which reveals that about half the states keep ALL of the child-support payments to parents on welfare. In most of the other states, about $50 a month actually makes it to the parents.

While studies show dad is more likely to pay if he knows the money is going directly to his family rather than funding welfare programs, states don’t know how to break their addiction.

And while the Bush Administration was planning on fixing the problem, budget woes shifted the child-support enforcement burden back on the states. Translation: States don’t feel particularly motivated to give dads’ money back to spouse and kids anytime soon.

Let’s give a big round of applause to lawmakers who keep these family-unfriendly policies in place.

Should You Buy Paternity Tests From a Drug Store?

When I look at my kids, I have zero doubt they are mine and Anne’s. Appearance, mannerisms and behavior are all dead giveaways.

Besides, I was there when they were born, and we have the ultimate proof detector: they love books.

For some parents, such clarity is lacking. A few years ago there was a case where two children were switched in the hospital and it was years before the discovery made. There was another case last month in which two Czech moms decided to keep the reversed children, reports the Australian News.

Such cases are rare. Far more common are men – rightfully or wrongfully – who doubt their “dadliness.” Consider the black-haired dad who has a red-haired daughter. And where did that nose come from, anyway?

It was bound to happen sooner or later, but Rite Aid stores are now selling a paternity test kit called Identigene in California, Oregon and Washington, reports The New York Times. “There is a curiosity and a need to know that can be provided discreetly, conveniently and affordably at retail,” Douglas R. Fogg, chief operating officer of Sorenson Genomics, tells the Times.

Hey Dads, It’s Our Day

If dads had a slogan, I suppose it would be along the lines of: “So much to do, so little time to do it.”

Was that always so? My dad and grandfathers always seemed to have free time. They regularly watched sports on TV, took naps during the day or had time to play catch. (Of course, they didn’t have blogging back then.)

How many dads out there have to fight for an extra minute to play with their sons and daughters? I bet a lot.

So with that in mind, I wish dads a great holiday. Get out there with your kids and celebrate. Or take a nice nap.

You’ve earned it.

Men, Our Health Generally Stinketh

Gentleman, I have a question for you: How’s your health? Seriously, are you feeling okay? How’s your weight? Have you had your prostate checked? What, you don’t like these questions?

If health questions make you uncomfortable, than perhaps you should read on, because guys, we’re in bad shape, according to The New York Times. I’m not referring to just a lack of exercise: we’re sick and dying at a faster rate than women.

Most of us have heard this statistic: women on average live 75.2 years and men live only 69.8. But it’s not just that we’re dying younger, we also have worse health overall, breast cancer notwithstanding.

Men have higher levels of heart disease, diabetes and cancer than women. Even though more baby boys are conceived, women outnumber men by their mid-30s, reports the Times. And among 100-year-olds, women outnumber men 8 to 1.

Some researchers think this disparity in health should be studied more intensely. “We’ve got men dying at higher rates of just about every disease, and we don’t know why,” Dr. Demetrius J. Porche, editor of the new quarterly American Journal of Men’s Health, tells the Times. Men’s Health Network is calling for a federal office that mirrors the female version.

“It’s not that we ‘could be’ the weaker sex — we are the weaker sex,” Dr. Robert Tan, who is on the advisory board of the Men’s Health Network, tells the Times. “Even when men and women have the same disease, we often find that men are more likely to die. Hip fractures stand out, for instance: women seem more likely to recover, while men are more likely to die afterward.”

That doesn’t sit well with at least one women’s rights group, many of which have fought hard to get women’s health issues studied.

“Saying we need an office of men’s health ignores the fact that men’s health always was the main focus of medical research,” Cynthia Pearson, executive director of the National Women’s Health Network, tells the Times. “During the first half-century of our nation’s investment in medical research, the majority of resources went to studying men and the conditions that affected men disproportionately. Is their health perfect? No. But they don’t need a movement.”

Um, okay. But will another government panel really help anyway? Beats me.

Instead, maybe we should just take matters into own hands by cutting back on drinking, overeating and smoking, which boost our levels of cancer and heart disease.

If we started exercising again, we’d see larger gains in health. It’s a lot more fun – and safer – than Lipitor anyway.

Maybe we should appeal to men’s competitive spirit: “Live longer than women!” could be our slogan.

Sure, prostate cancer research will still be $300 million behind breast cancer research, but 13,000 fewer men die from their respective disease. Men are more likely to develop prostate cancer, but on that one we can just tough it out.

Fighting the Good Fight for Fathers’ Rights

I have had trouble keeping up with a recent onslaught of dads’ rights stories. Here are three of the more recent ones:

Court Blocks Father’s Book on Custody Battle
A Massachusetts Family Court Judge has banned the content of a book because – well, it’s so complicated you’re going to have to read the entire story. But the gist is this: Man wins only 10 hours a week with his son, so he writes a book about how “corrupt” he finds the Massachusetts Family Court. The judge, who is the focus of at least one chapter, bans usage of impounded court records, which essentially guts the book.
– Lowell Sun

Australia Close to Approving Dads’ Rights Bill
A bill that might improve divorced fathers’ access to their children is in the final stages of approval in Australia. Activists feel the changes in the law don’t go far enough because the bill will not guarantee equal time with both parents.
– The Sydney Morning Herald

Registries Trip Up Honorable Dads
Does a father have the right to adopt a child that his former partner wants to give up for adoption? The New York Times explored this issue, but I didn’t have time to get in a post. Essentially, the bureaucracy is designed to prevent men from exercising this right. Even when men have faithfully sought out custody, near-secret registries are used to prevent a man from taking custody of his child. Cathy Young, an editor at Reason, does a good job of explaining the whole thing.
– The Boston Globe

Columnist Takes Sexist Swipe at Poor Old Dad

Pull the knife out of your back, dads. In an attempt to stem the feuding among moms, Los Angeles Times columnist and Law Professor Rosa Brooks shifts all the blame on men.

When it comes to the so-called Mommy Wars, Rosa makes a perfectly good point: that the catfight between working and nonworking mothers is really a creation of the media. Whether a mom works to pay the bills or stay at home to care for the kids, it’s tough going these days. I totally agree.

So in Rosa’s world, someone else must be to blame. Ah yes, let’s take the quick swipe at men. Below, she’s referring to moms when their careers run into the American male:

Their bosses scowl when they ask for more child-friendly work arrangements. Their male colleagues have wives who handle snow days, birthday parties and children who throw up at 3 a.m. But with rare exceptions, their husbands are bewildered or resistant when asked to take on more of the child-care duties. In the end, exhaustion and frustration force most into choosing between family and career.

What a bunch of sexist crap. Men are “bewildered or resistant,” when asked to take on more? Maybe in your elevated circles, Rosa, but not in all circles of American life.

My male friends work full-time jobs, come home to do the laundry, play with their kids and fix the broken sink. Many have reported lack of sleep as they cleaned up their children’s midnight vomit. And I know men who stay at home to raise the children while their wives work hard for the money.

I’ve worked in departments where the men have to work the dreaded night shift every six weeks while women are allowed out of the rotation because they have children. What, my kids are somehow less important?

Are there bad men, Rosa? Why yes, there are a lot of them. Are there bad women, Rosa? Why yes, there are a lot of them.

So please, get off your high horse about all men being rats and treat us with just a tiny bit of respect. Hard-working dads deserve at least that much consideration.

Dad Disbands Fathers 4 Justice After Blair Kidnap Plot Revealed

Fathers 4 Justice imploded today after it was revealed that some of its former members allegedly planned to kidnap the son of British Prime Minister Tony Blair, reports The Guardian.

Matt O’Connor, the group’s founder, said the negative publicity surrounding the plot is causing serious harm to the movement, which focuses on father’s rights in divorce and separation cases.

O’Connor posted this statement on the Fathers 4 Justice website:

After peacefully campaigning for three years to ensure children get to see their fathers, we condemn any individual who planned this appalling outrage which is anathema to our campaign.

I have three young boys myself and couldn’t think of anything more traumatic for Mr Blair, his family and his son than what is reported in this morning’s Sun newspaper, however we should approach the story with caution as it carries very little information in it.

Sketchy details of the alleged conspiracy surfaced a few days ago in The Sun, which reported that O’Connor also may have been threatened by militant members of the group he founded.

DadTalk worried in earlier posts that Fathers 4 Justice was harming its own cause with some of its more outlandish stunts, such as throwing purple flour on Blair and invading a church.

It’s unclear whether Fathers 4 Justice USA and Fathers 4 Justice Canada will continue functioning after this incident, but even if they do, it will be much more difficult for them to be taken seriously. As a result, today is a sad day for fathers’ rights worldwide.

New Zealand Boldly Attempts to Fix Child Custody Laws

While political leaders in the U.S. often talk of reforming custody laws, New Zealand has already done it, reports Stuff. The idea of “custody” is being dropped in favor of ensuring quality “day-to-day care” and parental responsibility outweigh the notion of who has “control” over the child.

This means that New Zealand courts will be less in the business of worrying about which parent gets primary custody and instead require both parents to be as fully involved with the child’s upbringing as possible. The new law even gives children the right to hire an attorney to make sure their interests are represented.

Parents who seek custody in court will first have to learn at seminars how to minimize the impact of the divorce on their children. “If there is no indication of conflict, the effect on children is not great,” says Brian Gubb, who helped develop the seminars. “If there is conflict, there are enormous problems in the children.”

The Care of Children Act also gives judges the power to jail parents up to three months and fine those who violate the court’s orders by up to $2,500. This gives judges better tools to help parents who are wrongfully denied access to their children by angry former spouses. Hopefully, protections for spouses of abusers remain intact.

It remains to be seen whether the new laws will help. Much depends on how New Zealand courts interpret the Care of Children Act.

My biggest concern is that families will now have to absorb the cost of a third lawyer should a child seek one. As I’ve written in earlier posts, one of the biggest problems with modern divorce is that both parents are often left financially damaged by exorbitant attorneys’ fees.

But give New Zealand credit – at least it is serious about trying to fix the child custody mess of this generation.

Writer Bemoans America’s Mistreatment of Fathers

If you’re a dad who feels like a second-class citizen in this country, you’re not alone. Single dad William J. McGee writes in The Washington Post that even American business fails to value the father role.

Movie theaters offer “Movies for Moms” while advertisers seem to think that dads don’t go grocery shopping. McGee points out these famous ad slogans:

• When it comes to peanut butter, “Choosy Moms Choose Jif.”
• Kix cereal is “Kid-Tested, Mother-Approved!”
• Robitussin is “Recommended by Dr. Mom.”
• Kari Lee’s cookie mix is “a mix that moms and kids love.”
• The BIC Evolution coloring pencil is “for kids . . . but moms will love it too!”
• And the American Dairy Association warns: “Hey Moms! Don’t forget the power of cheese.”

American media seems equally oblivious to dad’s existence, writes McGee, who cites headline examples such as this one from Parenting magazine: “Moms Dish on How They Handle Misbehaving Kids.” Another gripe: Hollywood often portrays dads as the comedic fall guy.

But there is a danger of dads always being portrayed as goofs or losers, writes McGee:

Is it any wonder that it’s so hard to find changing tables in men’s rooms? Is it any wonder that so many judges consistently fail to recognize the rights of fathers in family courts?

Anyone who has spent time in family court can testify that there are plenty of terrible parents of both genders. But in a lot of courtrooms, fathers are seen as little more than the keepers of the checkbooks.

Suddenly, an easily ignored societal bias becomes a real issue.

NYT Takes on Fathers’ Issues for Mother’s Day

I’m not really sure why The New York Times Magazine came out with a story on divorced fathers’ rights on Mother’s Day, but there’s no avoiding it. Susan Dominus paints a broad picture of how the men’s movement in England may invade American organizations hoping to even the custody-dispute playing field.

Dominus’ bias against the 50-50 parenting solution shows. She seems to be painting these men, who just want to have a larger role in their children’s lives, as either flaky, desperate or whiners.

While I’ve criticized some of the tactics used by Fathers 4 Justice in the past, many divorcees of both sexes have legitimate gripes that they have been ignored by lawmakers and the courts. And Dominus lightly brushes over the financial impact the American court system has on all members of these families.

Still, the article, which is far too long for me to capsulate here, is a requisite read for any dad – or mom – locked into a custody dispute. If anything, Dominus captures the difficulty men will have in fighting cultural stereotypes and in increasing access to their own children. Please keep in mind that The Father’s Crusade will be free only until about May 15th.