DadTalk

‘Green Crack’ Is Drying Up Despite Fed’s Best Efforts

The addict rifles through the mail piling up on his kitchen counter.

Late electric bill.

Late gas bill.

A warning from his mortgage company.

“Crud. It’s gotta be here somewhere.”

Half of the pile falls, scattering on the floor.

“Sh---”

John bends over to pick up the pile. There, just under the cable bill – that one is always paid on time – is what John is looking for.

“Pay off all your bills!”

“Low your interest rates!”

“Consolidate debt!”

John shakes as he opens up the envelope. A rush of warm liquid power courses through his body. “You are approved for up to $8,000!”

“I swear, this is the last time I’ll ever borrow money,” John says quietly to the cat.

Meanwhile, deep in the recesses of America’s financial power, the Federal Reserve Board considers its next move to keep Green Crack flowing out to businesses and consumers.

The Credit Czar considers his recent efforts:

“Lower interest rates. Check.

“Make it easier for financial institutions to borrow. Check.”

“Let banks use worthless holdings as collateral to borrow money. Check.”

“Print more money. Check.”

A Simple Plan to Make Most Out of Drugs Found in Drinking Water

By now, you’ve probably heard about The Associated Press probe that found all manner of pharmaceuticals in our drinking water. Since the economy sucks, I was thinking this could be good news for money-strapped Americans:

Doctor: Hello fellow Americans! I’m so glad you could join this little forum! I know the cost of drugs has gotten out of hand, so I’m here to answer all your questions on where to find the cheapest drugs.

John: Doctor, I suffer from epileptic seizures, but my insurance won’t cover “unwarranted” prescriptions. What can I do?

Doctor: Ah, this is an easy one. Just move to Southern California! There is plenty of anti-epileptic medicine in the drinking water there!

Alice: Um, Doctor? My kids keep catching strep throat at school, but I can never get a doctor’s appointment when they’re sick. What can I do?

I Feel for You, the Suffering Wealthy Parents of America

To the couple that had to have 300 holes drilled in their “flat-front lacquered maple cabinets in the kitchen,” I really feel for you.

Same goes for the family that had to put “their 18th-century mahogany dining table and chair set in storage.”

These and other housing décor horror stories in The New York Times really moved me. I know how tough it can be to order a billion-dollar table from France only to have the children carve initials in it.

And I know exactly what it feels like to buy priceless Barcelona chairs, only to have to stick them in storage because the “corners are basically razor blades.”

Yes, my experiences are very similar to the other rich and famous. I feel for all parents in the world that had to sacrifice world-class design just to make their homes child-safe.

The suffering of mankind is endless.

My New Business: Baseball Trading Cards (on Steroids)

I’m not a close follower of sports, but it’s been hard to miss what’s been going on with the baseball drug and steroid scandal, which is summed up in The New York Times. The scandal confirms my belief that there are few compelling reasons to turn my kids into sports fans.

In fact, I consider it payback for all the times newspaper sports editors told me: “Bicycling isn’t a real sport. Only baseball, football and basketball are.” There was some debate about whether hockey constitutes a real sport.

On the other hand, I think there may be a way to profit off this ugly mess: My very own line of “Sports Trading Cards (on Steroids.)” I offer two samples here. The backsides would include a complete breakdo wn of steroid use each season. Since I doubt athletes will publish their true drug-use numbers, I will ask fans what and how much they think each player was using and then average the results.

If you want your very own Sports Trading Cards on Steroids, let me know in the comments section.

Satire ‘Ninth Circle of Hell:’ Flying in the Modern Age

No food. No leg room. No service. As Americans already know, flying coach these days is not a pleasant experience, writes The New York Times.

Things are so awful, that today’s fliers “now view getting on a plane as roughly akin to entering the ninth circle of hell.” Hell, by the way, is multiplied by the number of children you have in tow.

Here’s what the Spirit Airlines’ chief executive e-mailed an employee who was complaining about a delayed flight:

“Please respond, Pasquale, but we owe him nothing as far as I’m concerned. Let him tell the world how bad we are. He’s never flown us before anyway and will be back when we save him a penny.”

As bad as flying is today, I started wondering what it might be like in 20 years, starting with boarding the plane:

Should This Product Be Recalled?

I’m sure this picture is already floating around the web, but someone sent this to me via e-mail and it’s the first time I’ve seen it.

I know we shouldn’t laugh, but it does seem to sum up the state of children’s toys today.

Hey Parents, Our Genes Are to Blame for Picky Eaters

The moment I saw the headline “Picky Eaters? They Get It From You” in The New York Times on Wednesday, I knew it would rise to the top of the most e-mailed list. Sure enough, it did.   

As well it should, since parents like you and me are constantly trying to get our kids to eat broccoli instead of Meal Number 1: “Chicken Nuggets and French Fries.”

Actually, our daughter, Lael, will eat anything. It’s our son who resists all new foods (though lately he is becoming more willing to try things – like different brands of bread.)

The good news, parents, is that we’re only partly to blame, according to a study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. In fact, only 22 percent of our children’s eating habits are because of parenting flaws. The other 78 percent comes from our genes, which we can’t do much about anyway. (Of course, when you add it up, parents are still 100 percent to blame.)

Lael, Queen of Destruction

Nothing can stop the queen. Our 20-month-old Queen. The Queen of Destruction.

Books fresh from the publisher are thrown to the floor and stomped on. Toys are hurled across the room to test flightworthiness.

One clock radio was so angry at its mistreatment, that it seeks revenge by playing static at odd hours of the night. The royal garbage chute becomes its final sanctuary. The replacement clock radio fails to survive much longer as the Queen removes a side panel and permanently disables the timepiece.

When the Queen is hungry, she opens the bi-fold pantry doors of her castle in search of culinary pleasures. Packaging of cheese crackers, pretzels and even apple sauce cannot stop her dexterous fingers and strong arms. Dry rice sometimes catches her favor. But duck if nothing suits this Queen’s fancy. Packages of cereal, soup and Mac & Cheese will fly off the shelves and into the heads of her loyal subjects. Beware the displeased Queen.

Sometimes, the pantry fails to suffice. She toddles over to the coffee table and with huge sweeps of her royal arms, knocks everything to the floor. More children’s books, water bottles, everything. Then her royal majesty climbs up on her throne, which is pressed against the kitchen island and starts rummaging. Plastic cereal bins are raided, then thrown to the floor in disgust. Mail is pilfered. The queen mum’s purse is savaged for makeup.

Ah, a permanent ink Sharpie. Royal makeup for the Queen’s fair skin. Burt’s Bees foot salve for her royal blond locks.

Oh look, the Queen mum’s three-month-old driving binoculars. They displease me. I will break them. Again.

And finally, the royal scepter. An 8-inch long knife. Bow Queen dad as I raise my fair blade to knight you. Or as my son would tell you as we read Alice in Wonderland, “Off with his head!”

How to Win by Failing

In America, success is measured by failure. Take for example Robert Nardelli, the former chairman and reputed chief despot at Home Depot.

Nardelli’s reward for failing to boost the stock of the home supply business is more than $200 million, reports The New York Times. That’s on top of the millions the company already paid him.

Excessive CEO pay is nothing new in this country, but Nardelli’s exit package has been stirring the news media worldwide. It got me to thinking about my future.

I’ve decided to market myself as a failure to the highest bidder. For companies that merely want me to slow their growth, I’ll charge them $1 million dollars a year with a $50 million exit package.

For companies that want to lose millions of dollars a year, I will charge them $5 million dollars a year with a $175 million exit package.

For companies that would like me to run them into the ground, I expect $20 million a year with a $1 billion exit package.

Hey, getting paid to fail is hard work.

I Need to Buy Airplane Ticket to See Arctic Before It’s Gone

I’ve never been to the Arctic Ocean or Arctic Circle. If I don’t leave soon, I may never get to see the frozen expanse, reports The New York Times.

Two new computer-generated simulations reveal that if greenhouse gases continue unabated, the northern polar cap could be mostly gone during summers starting in 2040. I would be 77 years old.

To give you an idea of how dramatic this melting would be, take a look at this video on The National Center for Atmospheric Research website.

What freaks me out is not the story itself – I’ve been reading about this danger for years – but how the Times writes that such a melting has a big positive:

This would greatly ease the task of maintaining shipping lanes with icebreaking vessels, said Lawson W. Brigham, deputy director of the Arctic Research Commission, which advises the White House on Arctic matters. Mr. Brigham and other experts said the new research raised the urgency of establishing common standards for protecting the Arctic environment and patrolling shipping lanes.

Why was this brought up in this story? No idea.

But you know, I’ve begun to think that maybe we should just look at the positives of global warming and forget all those nasty negatives. Who cares if rising oceans uproot hundreds of millions of people? Why do we need polar bears in the wild if we have them in zoos?

Instead, let’s consider the positives:

• Without frozen Arctic air to blast south during the winter, Chicago will become a balmy place year round. We can plant palm trees instead of those other kind that look dead and gloomy for half a year.
• We can begin growing crops in all that wasted Tundra farmland in Canada.
• Maybe the Great Lakes will shrink, which would lower property costs as Chicago expanded its skyline east. Plus, as the lake shrunk, the newly revealed terrain might offer hiking with real climbing – or in this case a real descent.
• The oceans would become less salty as the ice melts, which should be good for something, though I’m not sure what.
• We can sink the old ice cutters in the new ocean expanses. Maybe new coral reefs, killed off in now too warm ocean waters around the world, will start growing on the old ships.
• Of course, we would need to rename the Arctic. We could hold a contest and raise money for all the newly homeless.

But why wait all the way until 2040 for the destruction improvement of our planet? Maybe we should start terraforming the planet today so I can enjoy 80-degree winters in Chicago by 2008.

Why wait a year? Well, I want to go see the Arctic before it’s gone, of course.