My husband is convinced that I'm always depressed, and it worries him. He says I stare vacantly into space and then mope around the house, which he insists isn't normal.
I protested that most stay-at-home Mommies I know are in a chronic, listless funk while their brains atrophy from disuse. But Plosh isn't married to any of them and doesn't care. He takes it as a blow to his manhood that he can't make his wife euphoric even with all his hard work. That, in turn, means I must be doing an inadequate job of reflecting back his achievements with my grateful smiles and doe-eyed looks.
I think we've hit a bumpy stretch on Marriage Avenue here, so to patch things over, I am putting myself on a 12-step program toward more radiant wifeliness. Stepford ladies, move over.
I, Inland Empress hereby promise to:
1. Admit that I am powerless to control stuff I should have a better grip on, like the war in Iraq or potty training;
2. Believe in a power higher than mine that will restore my sanity, and I really hope She reads blogs;
3. Make a decision to turn my will and my waistline over to the care of my Higher Power;
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of my closet;
5. Admit to my Higher Power, to myself, and to anyone else within earshot the exact nature of my wrongs, shortcomings, irrational fears, minor physical ailments and miscellaneous neuroses;
6. Be entirely ready to have my Higher Power remove all these defects of character, or at least allow chocolate on my new diet for some consolation;
7. Humbly ask my Higher Power to remove my shortcomings and, if it's not too much to ask, about 20 lbs. of ugly fat;
8. Make a list of all the people I've harmed, which mostly consists of myself;
9. Made direct amends to such people (me) wherever possible, particularly if it involves sushi or a spa day;
10. Continue to take personal inventory and try not to assume it must be my fault because, really, it usually is;
11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power, praying only for knowledge of this Higher Power's will for me and, pretty please, the winning lottery numbers;
12. Have a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, and try to carry this message to other Mommies who mope; and to practice these principles for at least a few days.
Between this and ridding myself of political blogs (see below), I am counting on a mood lift.