How to defuse a nose

Exploding noses pose a threat to public safety and health this time of year. Know what to do in the event of an imminent nose explosion.

1. Don appropriate protective gear. If you do not own Kevlar body armor, flame-retardent jammies will suffice.

2. Assemble the necessary equipment: pliers, jumper cables, syphon, hose and bucket and whiskey.

3. If you are performing the nose defusion on yourself, be sure to do so over the bathroom sink where you can see what you're doing in the mirror.

4. Sterilize the pliers by spitting on them and wiping them on your sleeve. Do not use the whiskey. Are you nuts? That's perfectly good whiskey.

5. Grip the pliers firmly and use them to twist off your nose. Twist in a clockwise direction until the nose cap has been removed.

6. You will now notice your nasal passages, which disappear behind your eyes into a series of subterranean passages called sinuses. Lightly place the hose over the opening of the left sinus and use the siphon to begin draining greenish mucus into your sink.

CAUTION: If at any time you notice clumps of gray matter in the hose, DISCONTINUE THIS PROCEDURE AT ONCE. Those are brains. You don't want to suck out your brains. That would be bad.

7. With the sinus draining, you will need to disable the flow capacitor, a small valve that controls the stream of mucus in each sinus. Aim a needle-nose plier upward into the inner corner of your eyeball until it hits a small, hard knob. Disable the knob by wrenching it free with the pliers, and remove. It should look like a tiny hubcap. Anything that doesn't look like a tiny hubcap is probably important and should be replaced.

8. To prevent snot from backing up in your eustacian tubes, you'll also need to circumvent the mucus reflux inhibitor, located in the inner ear. Do not try to operate on your own ears, as you risk rupturing the eardrum and that would hurt. Instead, use the jumper cables. Attach the black-handled prong thingees to your positive ear, and the red-handled prong thingees to your negative ear.

CAUTION: Do not get your ears confused. You risk short-circuiting your scalp, condemning you to a lifetime of bad hair days.

9. Attach the other end of the jumper cables to a small battery. You may need to disassemble one of your kid's toys for this. Attach the red handles to the top and the black handles to the bottom of the battery. You should feel a slight current running through your ears. The mucus reflux inhibitor is incapacitated when your ears start to bleed.

10. Remove jumper cables and repeat steps 5-7 on your right sinus. Remove pliers and other hardware from your nose and replace nose cap.

11. Administer whiskey orally.

You should be feeling much better now.

Comments

[plosh]

This is why my wife doesn't sleep at night. She thinks about things such as this. ;--)

[Faith]

I'm laughed so hard reading this, but at the same time I was periodically wincing and experiencing heebee jeebees. Is that what you were going for?

[Anne]

Yeah, something like that. Maybe there's a little bit of Stephen King in me.

Of course, anyone who's really squeamish can just skip steps 1-10. ;-)

[lapdwife]

I am laughing so hard right now! And I'm definitely showing this to Officer Jake, who has terrible sinus problems himself all the time.

[Anne-Marie]

That was totally gross. Thanks.

[umm-rich]

ummm i ain't got no whiskey will rum 151 work let me know my sinutes are killing me