The case for legalizing whale hunting

Abigale the Happy Whale

by Peter Farrelly; illustrated by Jamie Rama

I really do try to keep an open mind about celebrity authors. After all, they were smart enough to rise to the top in Hollywood, right?

So what am I to make of this flop by screenwriter Peter Farrelly, of "There's Something About Mary" and "Dumb and Dumber" fame that is shockingly unfunny. No potty humor, no semen site gags, no yuks at all, unless you count his numerous puns. But those provoke nervous laughter, the kind you emit from twitching lips before the meds take effect.

Which you'll need. Trust me.

See, Abigale is cheerful despite all the other humpback whales being sad. Come to find out they want to beach themselves to protest pollution. How inspiring. Hey, all you insufficiently liberal beachgoers, just watch us kill ourselves! En masse! Bet that will make you feel bad, huh?

How uplifting. Maybe I should follow up with a few obituaries or the crime blotter.

And now for a few puns. Pardon my ellipses ...

Clem the Clam ... was acting like a real dip ...

"What kind of chowderhead would do this?" The steamed clam snapped.

Abigale ... dug this shellfish ... Clem was so surprised, he clammed up.

I know you want more. There's the golfin' dolphin and Dr. Gus the Octopus and my personal favorite, Fred Doofish the Red Bluefish, who suffers from an enlarged liver from eating poisoned seaweed.

Never mind that he'd probably be yellow, or that I must explain -- again and again -- what a liver is to a four-year-old whose knowledge of human anatomy begins and ends with his pipi. Oh, semen jokes, where are you when I need you?

Back to our story, which ends on Santa Monica, California, beaches with the whales deciding to swallow all the lawn chairs, bowling pins, golf clubs and other household flotsam and spew it through their blow holes onto the beach.

There! Let it be someone else's problem! What a great lesson.

And just in case you didn't get that message beaten into your head with the dolphin's nine iron, the front flap says that half of Farrelly's take goes to Heal the Bay, which cleans up Santa Monica's shoreline. He should give the other half to me, plus a refund for the stronger eyeglass prescription I need now.

Rating: *\

Comments

[Kelly]

Yuck! I received this one too. I think I 'll just ignore it :)

[Anne]

Good idea.

[bobbi]

That's really mean and you obviously don't think children need to be educated about pollution.

If someone had educated you at a young age with a whimsical story such as this then possibly you would not complain about how boring you think this movie is or how punny it is or isn't.

I'm sorry there aren't any semen jokes but real seamen who sail and spend time in the water or fish the waters you pollute may want to have more movies (flops) like this to teach their children and remind themselves not to throw garbage on the ground or in the water.

Here's hoping he gets around do doing a remake of Something About Mary refinding Ted at the nursing home years from now that will include some of the scatological humor you were missing in Abigale the Happy Whale.

Perhaps Peter Farrelly is a sweet caring man who worries about the environment and is more than a laugh machine that provides funny fertilizer for our little lives.

[brettdl]

Bobbi, I think you missed the point. There are plenty of fantastic books out there about the how awful the environment is.

Abigale the Happy Whale -- which is about suicide -- simply isn't the best book in this area. It uses a bludgeon to get the point across, which may not be the most effective approach.

[Anne]

Calm down, Bobbi. Deep, cleansing breaths now. First off, this is a book, not a movie, and one that's pitched at little kids. It's poorly written and gets many of its basic facts wrong about what kind of pollution is hurting Santa Monica's waters, where it comes from and how to get rid of it.

It also leads kids to believe there's an easy solution, which there isn't. And did I mention the writing stinks?

If you want to teach kids about the damage done to our oceans, click on Marine Biology under my categories and you'll see several excellent books from Sylvan Dell publishers that educate as well as warn us.

Those books, many of them written by marine biologists, are preferable to what Mr. Farrelly has written on this subject.

For more information, you can also click on the Sylvan Dell link on the left under Sponsors.

And try not to see a harsh critique of a children's book as an attack on actual children. Sheesh.