Researchers Take a Look at Impact of Yelling at Kids

The first time I can remember yelling at Seth, he was about 22 months old. I had been trying to get him to sleep for almost two hours – it was almost midnight – and he just wouldn’t stop goofing around. In a deep, hard and loud voice I said, “Go. To. Sleep.” He looked at me and said his first complete sentence. “I trying, dad. I trying.” Then he burst into tears.

In the end, I think the incident harmed me more than him. He promptly went to sleep, but I was up for another hour worrying I had ruined our father-son relationship for life. Since then I’ve been exceedingly careful not to yell at Seth unless he was doing something dangerous like running in front of a moving car.

But did that one incident do any harm to my son? Researchers are trying to find out, reports The New York Times. Their answer: “Children whose parents consistently raise their voices or combine yelling with insults, criticism, ridicule or humiliation may suffer from depression, dips in self-esteem or demonstrate more aggression themselves.”

On the other hand, occasional yelling is generally not considered harmful:

“Other familial factors (particularly, having an emotionally warm and close relationship with at least one parent) appear to ameliorate the potential negative effects and also, to play a greater role in long-term psychological outcomes than yelling or other forms of aggressive acts,” Dr. Anupama Sharma, assistant professor of psychology at Eastern Illinois University and a co-author of (a study published in The Journal of Emotional Abuse), said in an e-mail message.

Researchers have recently discovered that virtually all parents yell at their children at one time or another. About 35 percent of parents have yelled at their children before age 1, according to a University of Texas study. Ninety-three percent of parents have yelled at their children by age 4.

Still, I’ve always believe that yelling is not a useful parenting tool. After all, the first few times you yell at an infant or toddler, he/she usually just bursts into tears. After that, the child either loses self-esteem or he/she quickly becomes immune to the yelling and tunes it out. Either way, a lose-lose situation.

Comments

[babbo]

I was very moved by your post. I am the dad of two wonderful boys, and I sometimes yell at them (although not often).

I remember my father yelling - as well as offering plenty of insults, criticism, ridicule and humiliation. Thank goodness I don't do that to my boys.

I actually just wrote a blog about this subject (and a recent meltdown I had) on my daddy blog. I'll be sure to place a link to your post as I think it is very relevant.

Peace,

Joey
www.daddybrain.wordpress.com

[brettdl]

I just read your excellent post. Yes, I've been there again (since my post above.)

[Summer]

Ah, the hideousness of being screamed at by a parent. I know that I'm not the only one who received such ugly treatment and I have to say it's given me a really unpleasant set of memories. That said, I don't think my mother ever felt bad about yelling at me.

I can't recall ever yelling at a child. Nor can I imagine doing so unless they were running in front of a car (or something similarly dangerous). Granted, they're not my kids... so that makes me even less likely to raise my voice.

But I definitely think there is long term effects of being yelled at by parents on a regular basis. To this day my immediate response is to either start weeping when yelled at or get defiant and yell back. Neither of which ever seems to really help the situation from what I can tell.

Brett, thank you for the thought provoking post, and I have found - in my own small ranging observances - that those who are most concerned about it when they do slip and yell or have a meltdown - are the best parents I know.

[brettdl]

Thanks. The last time I yelled, Seth ran through our apartment parking lot, which was full of moving cars. He was far enough away that I had to use the most extreme voice I ever used just to be heard.

Seth also scared the bejeebers out of me. I mean, the drivers were NOT paying attention.

I think one reason parents scream nowadays is BECAUSE the world is so unsafe in so many ways.

That said, I still regretted it.

[Bill]

I am reading this after having a melt down myself this evening and now i sit here feeling like I am both underqualified and the worst Dad in the world.
I put my son to bed said sweet dreams and I love you and went to the living room, an hour later he comes out with black marker all over his chest and back and said " look its just like the guys at the football game"
I got up and yelled at him and told him what the heck was he doing out of bed and told him that was stupid (not him) and when i went in his room his bed was covered with black marker, I was really tired and smacked him one on the butt and sent him to be cleaned up by his mom while i cleaned his bed.
But i feel like crap now.. he was just trying to be "cool" for Dad and show him he had fun at the football game or did he disobey me and get out of bed and mark all over himself, bottom line i also have bad hearing and i yell really loud but everytime i tell myself " I will NOT yell again like that" I do.
what the heck am i going to do about this, its not intentional it comes out of nowhere.
I dont want to be a bad father i honestly believe thats about the worst fear in the world to me, I didnt have a father and i dont want my son to remember me as one that was had a bad temper.
any advice?

[brettdl]

Yelling is a common reaction from parents. I've done the same thing too, not understanding that most mischief is coming from good intentions. I also tend to yell more when I'm tired.

I try to limit my yelling to things like, "Seth, Stop, you're running onto the highway!" Sometimes, I yell well when I shouldn't and I feel as bad as you do. We all do our best to keep ourselves under control with varying levels of success.

If, however, you find you can't get your temper under control or you think your anger is at an extreme level, then consider seeing an expert on anger management.

[JG]

Still relevant! Thanks to all for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I am just starting out and making a conscious effort not to yell when I am frustrated. Every time my daughter smiles, I am rewarded for 'good behavior'!

[max eide]

my dad would always yell at me if if i said if i wanted to go home to my mom.His sister no his whole side of the family would say bad things.Like the f word and s word.And one time when i couldn't fall asleep i said 'dad i cant fall asleep 'And do you know what he said to me? Before i type it first things first I'm not telling you my name!he said 'max shut the f*** up.At my school my teacher as me see the counselor every Friday for my worries.But recently my dad has been unable to be on our property the only way he can see me is at a visitation home were we will be monitored.Because he said something really bad so my mom reported him to the police P.S my dad and mom are divorced

[max eide]

but my life is really good now

[Gardener]

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