34 North by 117 West

I know a trick that will make the whole world la-la.
-- The Amazing Mumford

Welcome to my realm, an expanse of pavement known as the Inland Empire, land of jumbo warehouses, prisons and dairy farms, boasting some of the fastest growing suburbs in America and the worst air, an aromatic mix of decomposing cow poop and car exhaust. Officially, the Inland Empire sprawls between Los Angeles and Palm Springs. Although you could just say "middle of nowhere" and everyone in my East Coast-oriented family would nod knowingly.

Angelinos won't exactly rush to my defense here. A typical conversation with a friendly native usually goes like this:

Native: So, where do you live?
Me: Upland.
Native: Where's that?

It's right here, where it's always been. We're next door to Rancho Cucamonga and Fontana, where developers rush to accommodate a new generation of Corian-versus-granite-obsessed yupsters.

I'm pretty sure the local governments have conspired to make beige their official color. Drive along the putty-hued freeway and gape at the columns of ecru houses marching up to the sandy foothills. Or try this simple exercise: Close your eyes and point straight ahead. Now twirl around a few times until you lose your sense of direction. Open your eyes and look at where you're pointing. What color is it?

See what I mean?

It's a well-known fact that people of color who move out here quickly start acting beige. Ethnic identity dissolves into the heady mist of conspicuous consumption that keeps us all wearing identical plus-sized jeans and circling the parking lot in our must-have, boat-sized SUVs so we can herd ourselves into the AMC megaplex for whatever formulaic fare everyone else told us to go see. It's a lot, in other words, like everyplace else. Only moreso.

How did I get here? Well, most folks I've met started out somewhere in Los Angeles until they gained weight, lost their fashion sense, bleached their hair to frazzled wisps and came to consider McDonald's salads a gourmet breakthrough. Then the LA tourism honchos asked them to please leave. My Poor Long-Suffering Hubby (hereafter known as "Plosh") and I were forced to flee after city officials discovered we lacked sufficient income for the plastic surgery required before they'd let us out of our apartment.

I am a former journalist who got promoted to Mommy. Just one offspring so far: the monsterling Minitaur, just follow his trail of crumbs. I'm a native of Connecticut, by way of Massachusetts, Great Britain, New York, Pennsylvania and Florida. The main difference between all those places and here is that I never owned a piece of real estate anywhere else. This is it. Home. The place where Plosh and I alone are responsible for the wheezy plumbing, the impenetrably stained carpet (beige, of course), the mildewed exterior (a peachy shade of beige), and the mangy, dirt-pocked lawn.

That alone keeps me from hating this place, whereever it is. As I said earlier, welcome to my realm. Make yourself comfortable and try not to break anything.

Comments

[Jo]

I used to live in Riverside and got OUT. My sympathies! Hope the empire treats you well. At least you have an entertaining blog out of the whole affair!

[Tina]

Hello,
I too gave birth to a monster. She didn't appear to be so until she was a few hours old. Prior to those moments she only moved a bit in my belly.
I'm also burdened w/ a husband named "Bret"(oneT). I used to like him. Now, "BRET!!!!" has become my word of choice around 5:00pm. "Get her," is another favorite.

It only gets worse...
Thanks for your site
Tina I would love to here from you. I'm 33-34 in two weeks and live in Shingle spring,CA

[Anne]

Hi Tina and Jo! Welcome to my blog.

Hey, Tina, we have to do something about that missing "t" in your husband's name. You can borrow one of these: tttttttttttttttttt

Also, where is Shingle Spring? I'm still so lost on the west coast.

Thanks for dropping by. Come back anytime, I always have the ice tea brewing for ya.

[Ontario Emperor]

Thanks for the mention in "The Empire Likes Hacks."

I have to agree with your comments on the color beige. Several years ago, as I was driving east on Foothill Blvd between Campus and Grove, I was looking at the roofs of all of the businesses. 101% of them were that wonderful beige color. (If I recall correctly, the roller hockey roof has a different color today.)

True story - when I lived in Upland years and years ago, I'd attend city council meetings on occasion. I happened to attend one at which IHOP's building permit was under consideration. Today the IHOP in Upland seems like it's been there forever, but back in the 1980s it had not yet been built.

Rosalie Kamansky (since deceased) was then on the Council. (If I recall correctly, her day job was in real estate.) As the IHOP rep made his presentation, she had a little teeny question:

Did IHOP really have to put that blue roof on their restaurant?

The IHOP rep had much more patience than I would have had. He simply stated that he could check with IHOP, but that he thought that IHOP sort of liked their blue roofs.

Let's just be thankful that the designers of the Sydney Opera House, the Eiffel Tower, and Mount Vernon didn't have to get Upland City Council approval.

And when the Council does get their wishes, things end up backfiring. The Council's current project is to beautify Route 66. To that end, an upgrade was performed at the Ralphs on Foothill Blvd. After the upgrade was completed, Ralphs closed their Upland store. Result? A really impressive Route 66 sign in front of a vacant building.

Whoops, I've gone on an extended rant. Anyway, I enjoy your site and wish you and PLOSH the best of luck.

-O

[Ontario Emperor]

P.S. I was near Shingle Spring a couple of weeks ago (I have an aunt and uncle in Cameron Park). It's very close to Sutter's Mill, east of Sacramento.

[Anne]

All hail the Emporer! Your insights on my local government are hilarious. I didn't realize they were responsible for the Ralph's boondoggle. Rant anytime.

[steph]

howdy from another IE mutant! I lived in upland for several years, and now live in redlands. Such an improvement (where's the sarcasm button?) Anyhoo, at least I don't have to differentiate between Arrow Hwy. and Arrow Rte. anymore :)

I've got a 2 year old son, aka Captain Chaos or Todzilla, I'm a grad student, but don't blog (unless you count my dissertation as a blog only published on my laptop...it might count).

Hope you can fill my procrastinating hours with...uh...something special!
Steph

[Amy W]

I too am a mom (to 3 preschoolers, 4 yr old twins and an 11 month old.)I am pushing 39 1/2 but I refuse to be 40. I think I will start counting backwards.

We live in the Texas form of suberbia north of Dallas called McKinney. Everyone celebrates when the new Bed, Bath and Beyond opened and I catch myself thinking happy meals meets all the food groups. Thanks for your great satire. I LOVE SATIRE. Molly Ivins, John Stewart, The Door Magazine. Keep it up and I will keep reading!!