I have no money, no staff and only about 10 minutes to accomplish anything before my toddler or my husband notice I'm not paying attention to them. This makes me the perfect successor to Martha Stewart, don't you think? Let's be real here, who's gonna buy a towel from her now that her entire line will soon bear the stamp "Property of Women's Correctional Institute"?
No one needs to buy new towels with my name on it. Just recovering the ones I gave to Goodwill before checking with Plosh would be cool with me. Kind of a sore subject, so let me just say that the whole towel thing is definitely not part of my Empress shtick, okay? Neither am I some sort of domestic goddess. That's Roseanne Barr, and she's quite funny about it. Chief Domestic Officer? That implies I get paid. Who could ever compensate me for the joys of sleeplessness, the saggy boobs, the undone chores, the growing sense of aimlessness in my life, the ubiquitous smell of poop? The best things in life are still free.
What makes me perfect to assume the crown of domesticity is that I dispense no advice whatsoever. Want tips on what to whip up for the consul general of Beliz when he drops by? No idea. How to make centerpieces from toilet paper tubes and gold vermiel foil? Beats me. You're smart, you can figure it out. No, I am only interested in what works for me, mostly because I'm not interested in working at all. The less done, the better.
So this week's project is the backyard gate that needs replacing. It looks just like the thumbnail photo up top, and it hasn't improved since you started reading this. It won't change in the next hour or day or month, either. It's our first Entropy Makeover project -- do nothing and let the universal forces of decay and rot take over. I plan to do the whole house along these lines. Someday we'll move or die and a yuppie couple in search of a "fixer upper" or "handyman special" will overpay for it and thank us.
Honey, the gate doesn't need fixing. Onto the next thing.
See, I told you I was the perfect antidote, er, answer to Martha.
See you Monday.
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