We are late to Minitaur's music class, but I let him meander the halls of the community center, patting his sticky hands on the walls and chirping to himself. Why hurry? I know what awaits. Sure enough, as we get nearer the classroom, I notice windows rattling. Stabbing pain shoots through my head. I open the door to see seven or eight other mothers gritting their teeth. Yes, instructor Toan Deff is once again singing at a pitch only dogs can hear.
It is particularly noxious this week. Toan introduces several new songs to her repertoire, and, true to form, forgets the words that are posted on the wall behind her. She stops. Squints. Starts over. One of the Mommies goes into convulsions and must be carried from the room. The children clap and stomp and wriggle in happy oblivion.
Toan gets an idea. Let's all be airplanes! Can YOOOOO be an airplane? She spreads her arms and lurches around the room, screeching "zoomio, zooooooomiiioooo." It is the best impression of a wounded ostrich I've ever seen. But my limbs begin to twitch even as Minitaur joins the line of awed worshippers bobbling along after her.
By the time she gets to "She'll be coming around the mountain," Mommies are flopping around like orcas after exposure to submarine sonar. Blood trickles from my ears. It's time for her good-bye song, in which she squeaks farewell in whatever languages she can remember, which is astonishingly few. She attempts to squeeze "sayonara" into two syllables while hitting a "note" several octaves above high C.
I lose consciousness. All is blackness.
My widowed husband presses charges and Toan Deff is sentenced to life in a Cistercian convent, where she must maintain a vow of silence.
This isn't funny anymore. It is getting dangerous for me to visit you here. I start reading, soon I'm chuckling. Then all of a sudden I'm laughing hysterically, slapping my hands down on my computer desk, kicking my legs back and forth, disturbing my cats, my mother and my neighbors. (My mother already thinks I'm insane. You are not helping.)
Posted by: Faith | May 28, 2004 at 06:44 PM
Oh dear, what do you want me to do?
Posted by: Anne | May 28, 2004 at 09:38 PM
I second that! And also I find it truly amazing that this person - Toan Deff - can actually keep a group of 2 year olds engaged. Is it because they're scared?
Posted by: em | May 31, 2004 at 06:12 AM
No, just easily amused.
Welcome back, Em, haven't seen you in a while!
Posted by: Anne | May 31, 2004 at 12:23 PM