I received some bad news today about someone I love. I long ago promised to keep this person's information a secret, so all I can tell you is its effect on me. I am a mess. I cried on the phone and then stopped crying and worried that there's something wrong with me for not crying.
I searched World Prayers but nothing grabbed me. I own any number of prayer books and Bibles -- both Jewish and Christian -- but can't muster the enthusiasm to get up. My husband and I polished off a container of mint-chocolate-chip soy cream but the only real comfort was hearing the sound of his voice, which momentarily lifted me from the echo chamber known as my own head.
This is bad. Very bad.
This funk isn't going to lift in a few days or a few months. It's going to get worse. There's nothing I can do and I've no idea what to say to this person, except "I love you."
I know those words bring some comfort, but they don't stop time or make the problems go away or instantly melt the 3,000 miles that separates us.
No matter what happens next -- if I get pregnant, sell my novel, whatever -- this is going to overshadow it. I'm not resentful -- please don't mistake me -- I'm just trying to convey that something life-altering is in the works, only the transformation isn't a good one. I'm not going to emerge Phoenix-like all gloriously renewed out of the ashes of my despair.
Someone needs me, I can't be there, I can't help at all. I can just sit and listen and mumble platitudes and feel suddenly very much older.
Specific information wouldn't tell me any more than you have. You hurt, as much for your helplessness as for anything else. What can we offer you, helpless as we are too, but the knowledge that we feel some of your pain? Write if it helps. We'll read and understand as we can.
Sometimes there is nothing to be usefully said except that you care.
peace
Posted by: andrew | September 05, 2004 at 01:14 AM
This must be tough. Our family is dealing with a tough situation right now - I'm not purposely keeping it secret, but it's just not necessarily something that I choose to share on the blogosphere. When someone is facing a critical situation, and you are powerless to make the pain go away, you're stumped as to what you can do.
There's a concept in the New Testament that probably equally applies to the Old - when we don't know what to pray, God prays for us. Hope this helps.
-OE
Posted by: Ontario Emperor | September 05, 2004 at 10:11 PM
Thanks, both of you. What beautiful sentiments.
I'm lucky to have the kindest friends in the blogosphere.
Posted by: Anne | September 05, 2004 at 11:25 PM