Sex? What's that?

My husband the comedian. Such a joker. He gets all these free books from work, so the other week lugs home a slim, pocket-sized volume called,

Kama Sutra Sexual Positions for Her and for Him.

It's cute. One side's for her, then you flip it over and there's a side for him.

Only what him and her are they talking about?

The couples in this lushly photographed book are what you'd expect: buff, young, and inhumanly flexible. A few years of super-duper-steroid-enhanced power yoga might get me into one of the less ambitious postures, if I held my breath. Or I could just hire a chiropractor on retainer to sweep up the pieces of my spine afterward.

I've caught Plosh gazing at the "For Him" side with obvious wishful thinking. No doubt he has fond memories of sex, the kind where you have time to remove all your clothes and you even get to use a bed.

I write this in our office just inches away from our makeshift lovenest, which consists of a denim backrest and a cotton throw strewn haphazardly on the floor. There's a hand-crocheted afghan for our post-coital snuggling, which fits over most of me and some of him. This is our bed-away-from-bed, where we occasionally sneak off for some hasty conjugal groping while the true head of our household lies horizontally across our king-sized mattress in oblivious slumber.

I get a kick looking at all the blissed out couples. I may harbor a few fantasies, but no illusions. By the time the monsterling's finally tossed out of our bed, we'll have a baby to keep us awake and non-functioning for a few more years.

And by the time both the dears are old enough to be safely locked in their rooms with the doors bolted shut, I won't be able to assume any of those positions without a crane.

Plosh also brought home a companion volume on erotic massage -- hope springs eternal, doesn't it?

Comments

[psychotoddler]

Wait until you have teenagers who stay up all hours...

[plosh]

Needed something to do on Valentine's Day. Oh wait, I'm working that day.

Um, how about having your/his parents come over and sleep there for a night while you go to, I dunno, Disneyland and a hotel?

Just tell your mom, "Yeah, we'd really love you to come over because we want to try the Monkey Hangs from a Tree." When she responds, "Oh dear, I remember when your dad went through the sex-book-buying-phase of early fatherhood," run away from the phone before she gets into the details.

Oops, forgot to sign. That was me, TM from Jewlicious.

[Ontario Emperor]

Sounds like I need to work for a major newspaper. The last book I got from MY employer was a book on the Rational Unified Process. This is not a recipe for wedded bliss:

ME: Honey, I brought a book home from work.
SHE: Should we send the kids to their friends' houses?
ME: Not yet. I have to create the use case diagrams.
SHE: (unhappily) Huh?
ME: Then I need to use an approved estimation process to determine how many resources need to be applied to the project.
SHE: (glumly) I was hoping that only two resources would be required.
ME: And of course, we need to monitor schedule slips and take corrective action if necessary. Honey? Do I hear Doc's voice on the TV?
DOC: Well I may just be a country doctor in the big city, but it looks to me like you're down and out about sumfin.