It's a small Google Earth after all

Dear Bro:

I was playing around with Google Earth and noticed your trees need trimming. Of course, you may’ve already trimmed them since the satellite flew overhead that enabled me to witness your yard’s overly rustic state.

Just thought you should know that even from the highest reaches of our atmosphere, I can still pester you. Just like old times, eh?

Now go mow your lawn.

Love, Sis

Dear Mr. Hefner:

I found a way for every pathetic, masturbatory male to sneak past your high-tech security and peep in on 10236 Charing Cross Road. Heh heh, Hugh, I zeroed in on your pool and those Playboy bunnies are kinda cute and fuzzy. Very fuzzy. And pretty damn pixilated. I can’t see a thing. This must be the only time they’ve ever left anything to the imagination.

You might think it’s odd that I’m dropping in, so to speak, on the Playboy Mansion. Did you know we have something in common? I bet I get almost as many Google hits as you for “big boobs.”

Lustily, Anne

Dear President Putin:

So, why do you still call it “Red Square” if hardly anyone in your country is a communist anymore? Maybe you should paint it a washed out rust or a faded pink, metaphorically speaking. Plus, from what I can see, the spot is paved in black asphalt and there are cars parked there instead of tanks.

You can’t imagine how disappointing that is. I really miss having a monolithic enemy. Could you please say something nasty about our country so I can assure myself a malevolent chill peering down at not-so-Red-anymore Square?

Just about ruins every Cold War fantasy I ever had as a kid.

Not seeing red, Anne

Dear President Bush:

So how come I can’t find my mother’s house on Google Earth? Why is the CIA and/or Homeland Security hiding the entire state of Connecticut? Not that I’m paranoid or anything, but I couldn’t see too much in Roswell, NM, either. I don’t care as much because my mother doesn’t live there.

I can see your house in minute detail, though, even the swimming pool and tennis court and Rose Garden. I can get your exact coordinates right down to the fraction of a degree. Not that I’m planning anything, of course. Nosirree, I’m a patriotic ‘Merkin right down to my red-white-and-blue panties. I voted and everything. Not for you, but I voted.

I’m just wondering if you think terrorists are as incapable of finding 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on a high-resolution, entirely free-of-charge whizbang target finder pointed right at your Oval Office just ‘cuz you folks couldn’t do the same for certain WMDs.

Makes ya’ wonder, doesn’t it? Not you, of course. You probably don’t wonder about much. Like how come we have 99% of our DNA in common with apes if there isn’t such a thing as evolutionary biology, or how “Intelligent Design” explains the emergence of the genetic dead-end Bubba Ignoramus as a pre-eminent voting bloc.

Please fix the resolution on my mother’s house. I know she can be annoying, what with her penchant for writing nasty letters to politicians. Thank goodness I’m not like that.

By the way, is that Cindy Sheehan chained to your front gate?

Safely, Anne

Dear Imperial Majesty Akihito:

Nice palace, dude. And those gardens? One word: Wow. I wish my reign over the Inland Empire entitled me to a spread that nice.

Seeing as how you’re rich and I’m not, I’m just wondering what those hundreds of acres smack dab in the middle of the world’s most expensive city would be worth. You know, while the rest of your subjects scramble atop one another like cockroaches in a Bronx tenement.

I mean, it’s kinda hard to miss that they’re a bit smooshed and you’re about as unsmooshed as you can get and stay in the same time zone.

Not that I’m criticizing your imperial prerogative to live like, well, a king. I’m just a little envious. I mean, it’s not like I’m combing eBay for a Chrysanthemum throne or anything. Those low-flow ones work just fine for me. Even so …

Regally, Inland Empress

Comments

[plosh]

So let's see:

After this post it is no longer safe to live in Washington, D.C., Russia, Connecticut, Beverly Hills and New Mexico. Come to think of it, we may be the first Americans in recent years who will need to seek political asylum.

In other words, hon, don't pick on New Zealand.

[Kitty]

Tee Hee :)

[Ontario Emperor]

Somewhere I remember hearing that the name "Red Square" predated Lenin. I'd research it, but it's awfully late, and I don't have the excuse of having younguns in the home. (Age 14 doesn't count.)

[Jack]

There are a couple of good jokes located here, but heck if I can think of any.