In looking over the Mommy and Daddy blogs nominated over at the BoB awards, I can’t help but notice that beneath the sarcasm and silliness, they’re all such loving, attentive parents.
They clearly need my help.
And because I’m the selfless type, when not being narcissistic enough to blog in the first place, I shall divulge all my parenting advice, which shouldn’t take long at all.
In a word: neglect.
A little neglect is good for a parent’s peace and quiet, and it’s only life-threatening to the child if you forget how to dial “911.” So mark that down somewhere where you’ll remember it.
Then walk away. I like to do something useless, like blog or read cookbooks. I figure it’s okay if my baby is crying. Chances are good she’ll still be crying when I’m done. It’s not like I’m going to miss a Kodak moment.
When Minitaur was about 14 months, I walked away to make a phone call. This is a true story. I don’t make many phone calls (it has something to do with being shy and paranoid) so this was a big deal. It took a lot of courage. And you know what, it was GREAT for me to do it! Because as I was talking on the phone, my son fell off a shelf he was climbing and broke his leg!
Imagine if I hadn’t been making that phone call.
When people asked, “how did your son break his leg,” I would’ve had to say, “I was busy googling the names of the schmucks who tortured me in junior high” instead of the much nobler, “I was on the phone with the pediatrician’s office making an appointment for his vaccinations.”
See the difference? No one can accuse a parent who gets her child inoculated of being a bad Mommy, even if he has to limp into the examining room. Wow, did I luck out or what?
Of course, if you’re going to neglect your kids, it’s only fair to give them something to do. I leave them a few age-inappropriate, dangerous toys. Small parts are okay. In fact, my kids have ingested enough small parts to assemble the Death Star.
Just don’t feed your kids carrots. Carrots kill!
There I was, at Minitaur’s pre-school, asking him to finish lunch so we could go home where I could safely neglect him some more. I got an early start and began gazing into space, imagining myself in some child-free galaxy far, far away when the teacher rushed my son – who had his back to me – and shoved a finger down his throat.
There was a lot of shouting and back-whacking and out of my son’s bright blue face tumbled bits of evil, toddler-murdering carrot!
How was I to know that sensible Mommies pack gummy bears or pudding or other sugary comestibles. What kid ever choked on pudding? As it was, I had a lot of tears to dry up, including Minitaur's.
So, if you are going to neglect your child the right way, learn from my experience. Don’t do it in front of childcare professionals who will hasten to reassure you in a tone that says of course they think you’re an idiot. And never, ever feed your kids carrots. Carrots kill!
You can thank me later.
It is odd that the carrot turned out to be more dangerous than him diving off the staircase.
Posted by: plosh | January 12, 2006 at 10:04 PM
But carrot-flavored Life Savers are OK.
Posted by: Ontario Emperor | January 15, 2006 at 04:20 PM
Yum.
Posted by: plosh | January 17, 2006 at 03:29 PM