Inland Empress

Just desserts

ook up, there's the moon up in the sky.
It's big and round and I have found
it looks just like a lemon pie

I'm hoping I got those lyrics right, from Laurie Berkner. She's another one of these kiddie folk singers, very hot right now with the four-feet-and-under crowd. The hubby plans to review her latest CD, but I'm more interested in the pie, thank you.

Y'see, with all this lactose intolerance in our family, it's impossible to fill our pie holes with, well, pie. There's butter and cream and other cow-byproducts. My husband had pretty much given up on the idea of ever eating another dessert that didn't taste like it came out of one of the cow's other orifices.

But of course, he underestimated me. A friend gave me lemons off her tree, and I didn't make lemonade. Instead, I made lemon custard pie ... with tofu! Yes, tofu!

Oh, stop it. It's good. Really. I used pudding mix from the tofu maker and fresh-squeezed lemon juice.

I'm so proud of myself. That, and I discovered the next best thing since Jell-o. Seriously. You use this stuff called agar agar (you buy it in the Japanese section of Whole Foods or from an Asian grocer) that comes from seaweed and you boil it in fruit juice until it dissolves and pour it into custard cups and voila! Vegan Jell-o!

I'm such a domestic goddess.

Only I made up a new recipe, using coconut milk, lime juice, sugar and chopped pistachios, and agar agar. Ooooh ... a coconut lime mould! Yes!

Maybe I should open a cafe. Yes, maybe a vegan cafe, someplace you can go for non-dairy desserts and herbal teas and, oh, I'm just getting orgasmic thinking of the possibilities!

There could be a whole line of wheat-free cakes for celiacs or nut-free candies or, or, or ...

We could all just go to Whole Foods.

Never mind. I'm going downstairs for a slice. See ya.

Talking the talk, obfuscating the obfuscations

Want further proof that Mainstream Media is bottoming out? Like you need convincing, I know. A friend emailed the following memo* that circulated at the newspaper where he works:

Attached you will find a copy of Behemoth Media's updated Travel and Entertainment Policy. The updated policy is a product of inputs from a cross-functional, cross-business unit employee travel commodity council that was formed earlier this year. The policy provides informative data to educate employees of what is expected when traveling/entertaining on company business.

Okay, this is from a communication company -- one that publishes in English (or so we thought). What language that's in, I can only guess. Cross-functional, cross-dressing traveling commodes, or something like that, right? I got lost after "attached you will find ..."

Feel free to leave your own translations in the comments section. Go ahead, take a stab at it.

Me, I'm doing an interpretive dance in my pajamas. Why not? Makes as much sense as anything.

*company name changed to protect my friend's job. Otherwise it's as written.

More fun reading

My second book review -- the biggie -- appeared in Sunday's LA Times book review section. I don't think this one's as well written as the last, but I'm not the best judge.

Anyway, this is the Big Time for real, and the start of what promises to be an exciting week, even if I don't get to blog about it until much later.

Woo-hoo for me!

My review of a fantasy novel about giant bugs finally ran in the L.A. Times. They trimmed it here and there, making some grafs a bit choppier, but otherwise it survived the editing process about 90% intact. Phew.

Work, work, work

Two freelance deadlines are preventing me from posting this week, and probably next. My hits have fallen to about 125 a day, while Book Buds is hanging in there at about a quarter of that.

But Book Buds is the hot ticket right now, for reasons that only make sense to snooty journalist types. Certainly not me. I am angling to make book reviews an actual, paying job, and that blog is my calling card. You'd think this blog gives better evidence of my writing style and range, but I don't pretend to know what goes on in editors' heads.

So once again Inland Empress is on hiatus while Book Buds forges on, which means hits here will probably drop to double and then single digits. Sigh. And to think I was up to 500 hits a day only 6 months ago.

Well, them's the breaks, as my Bronx-born aunt likes to say. Meanwhile, both freelance book reviews are keeping my brain engaged. Both are a blend of fantasy and science fiction and therefore don't require any high-minded blather on my part. Phew.

Plus, they should just about pay for Minitaur's pre-school this summer, plus swim lessons.

See you all soon.

Book Buds lives!

If I ever change the name of this blog, it'll be to something like non compos mentis, Latin for "I'm outta my friggin' mind." I tend to take on more than I can actually accomplish, which leaves me feeling frazzled and chronically behind.

Take poor Book Buds, my much-neglected other blog. The hubby was bringing home stacks of children's books -- some adorable, some numbing -- and I thought I'd be doing the world a huge service by reviewing them.

The world hasn't noticed.

The site gets a meager 15-20 hits a day, mostly lost googlers. I got dispirited and sidetracked, first by the holidays and then by the BoB contest and all that thrill of victory, agony of defeat thing. Recap: this blog was a finalist, I threw myself into it, I, uh, came in last, my hits dropped to pre-BoB levels and life goes on.

Meanwhile, more than 70 brand, spanking new children's books have taken over the Minitaur's changing table and floor, my desk, bookshelves and nightstand. They proliferate like rabbits: I turn my back and the Scholastics have cozied up to the HarperCollins to produce a litter of Doubledays.

I had the bright idea back in December to write to publicists and request yet more freebies. Last week, I got a belated Chanukah present from Random House -- two cartons with another dozen or so titles. And Farrar, Strauss & Giroux awaits my catalog selections. The postman and I are evidently fated to become better acquainted.

Then there's my overworked and under-thanked co-conspirator, Dawn, who's been cheerfully slogging away at Christmas books and a few others that catch her eye. If it weren't for her infectious enthusiasm, I might've let Book Buds continue its swift slide into oblivion.

But it hasn't, and I won't. I'm awaiting a review from an 11-year-old wannabe and his Mom, also a journalist, to see if they'll be a good fit for the site too. And I've got several posts ready to go. Expect about 3 new reviews a week for now, plus any that Dawn sends my way.

Anybody have any bright ideas for publicizing Book Buds? I'm at a loss, since it's such a different site than this one. I've listed it in several directories, of course, and do get hits from Globe of Blogs, Blog Search Engine and the like. Any other low- or no-cost ideas?

Pretty please?

Don't let a good site languish! I could use the help. After all, book-buying parents everywhere are depending on me (and Dawn). They just don't know it yet.

Another writing gig at last

Well, la-di-da for me. It seems I have a fan or two over at a certain newspaper where my hubby works. And they're going to let me fill up more space on a back page somewhere.

Yep, Plosh has lugged home another book for me to review. No, not one of these books. This one's for money. Not much money, but still. My previous paid effort gave a thumb's up to a mystery novel. I wrote it straight -- not a whiff of sarcasm -- turned it in early and at the right length.

Yawn.

It took six months to hear from them again, which didn't do much for my fragile ego. Plosh did what he could to lobby on my behalf, considering my idea of marketing myself is to hide someplace verrrry quiet and hold my breath until everyone stops noodging me.

But the darkness has parted, the skies are clear, and I'm being given a chance to redeem myself.

I can't say much about the assignment, since it'd be bad form for the author or publisher to Google their way onto this blog and learn about the review before it's published.

I'm just a happy little writer chick today. 

It pays to sleep be sleeping with my publicist, no?

Job update

Apparently, I am so brilliant and talented, such a sultaness of style (not to mention grammar and spelling), plus a paradigm of copy editing perfection, that I failed to get the job after all. Y'know, the one I almost blew for other reasons.

The software firm left two messages on my answering machine today. They considered me overqualified for what was essentially a "junior position."

Fair enough.

They might've mentioned that before three mornings of non-stop interviews and a two-hour editing test, and then frantic behind-the-scenes scrambling to line up childcare options.

But it wasn't meant to be. Perhaps another time, another opportunity. Meanwhile, the Empress blogs on.

Introducing Book Buds

I have a new blog. Don't ask me why. It's not like I have time. And, like, I have the flu, fer cryin' out loud. I never seem to give myself a break, but then, I have only myself to blame.

It seemed like a good idea and my husband and writing coach jumped all over it. It's called Book Buds Kidlit Reviews, and as the name implies, it's dedicated to reviewing children's books. New titles only, by the way.

For now, I'm critiquing the review copies that come to me from the newspaper where my hubby works. He has to snag them from the book review editors who all have kids too. I'm just trying to get started, so whatever I can get will have to do for now.

If I see some traffic on the site, I'm going to try to pursuade a few publishers to send copies to me directly. If things get busier, I'll be soliciting more reviewers from the LA area (especially for Christmas books) and/or maybe some advertising, PayPal, that sort of thing.

Let me know what you think. It's still a work in progress, so suggestions here or on the Book Buds site are welcome.

When honesty maybe isn't the best policy

I'm in the mood for a daredevil stunt, something that will get my heart pounding like 200 cups of Starbuck's. Something that will bring me as close to a near-death experience as I can get without having to drive.

Lessee ... maybe I can apply for a job, blog about the pros and cons, mention some blather about the job lacking passion, and conveniently forget my blog URL is on my resume.

Doesn't that sound scary?

Just to up the ante, let's say the people who aren't supposed to be reading this (ie, my prospective boss and co-workers) are very computer-savvy folks.

Which of the following scenarios occurs:

A. The boss offers me the job anyway, and is classy enough to never mention he read my blog. That is left to someone else in the department, who sends me a "friendly" warning to not step on any more eggshells;

B. The boss never gets back to me and offers the job to someone else. I can only guess the reason after a would-be co-worker clues me in via email;

C. The boss is bold enough to admit he read my blog, sending me a snarky email about why he's not offering me the job after all;

D. The boss emails a lovely note thanking me for my candor, explains his side of matters, and encourages me to keep writing.

Oh, ha ha ha, you think. Anne, that last one's just so funny! As if!

Okay, c'mon, guess. Which is most likely? Based on actual human behavior as we know it?

If you guessed "C" you'd be ... wrong.

It's D. Yeah, I'm still rubbing my eyes too. But I told you they were a nice bunch.

I don't have a formal job offer, but it's pending. Seriously. Can't tell you why. Secret negotiations stuff and the like.

Now all I have to do is figure out if I can afford to take it on the salary they're offering, which is just slightly less than what I'd need to make this viable.

And, by the way, in case you're reading this (and you know who you are), you folks are THE BEST.