Inland Empress

Monkeying around with Darwin

I'm sick. Cough. Think it's the flu. Thing about me when I'm sick is, my feverish brain goes into overtime. One time I was bedridden for a week and thought up the plot to a whole 150,000-word novel. It took two years to write and still hasn't sold. Probably never will.

This time, I was a bit less ambitious and just thought up a song. Not sure what inspired it. It's about Darwin, G-d knows why:

The Darwin song
(to the tune of "I have a little dreidel")

I have a little baby
she's made from DNA
when she was done gestating
she popped out of me to stay

Oh Darwin, Darwin, Darwin
We'll sing this proud refrain
We're so glad and grateful
for our baby's big brain.

She has some genes in common
with a hairy chimpanzee
But folks, there's no mistaking
she looks a lot like me.

(repeat chorus)

We pray to G-d Almighty
to please send us a sign
debunking self-righteous righties
and Intelligent Design!

Yeah, I know the last stanza's a mouthfull. I blame this whole thing on the highly evolved virus attacking my brain right now. Ah-choo and nightie-night.

One more thing: Copyright 2005 by Anne Boles Levy. Steal it and I'll kick your monkey a$$.

What big knock knocks you have

Minitaur has learned his first knock-knock joke, and it's hysterical to hear him trying to get it right. Usually he flubs it and jumps right in with "who's there" even though that's supposed to be my (or my husband's) line.

Minitaur: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Mini: Banana

Me: Banana who?

Mini: Banana banana

(Important: repeat joke twice)

Mini: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Mini: Orange

Me: Orange who?

Mini (giggling): Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Heh heh.  I think he's almost ready for the Borscht belt. We Googled a bunch more and had a few yuks, but now I'm inspired. I noted that there's a serious dearth of Jewish knock-knock jokes, which is inexplicable considering our immense contributions to comedy and all that.

So I'm here to correct this terrible deficit and maybe change the world with my very first, self-authored knock-knock joke:

Me: Knock knock

You: Who's there?

Me: Chaim

You: Chaim who?

Me: Chaim so chappy to see you!

Ahahaha! I crack myself up.

More to come when I think of some. Hey, that rhymes! Where do I get this stuff?

Potty training haiku II

Something to show me?
I'm so proud of my big boy --
You pooped on the rug!

Morning sickness haiku

A pride of lions
roars and rages deep within --
I pop two more Tums

Dead orchid haiku

Dessicated shoots

Another plant bites the dust

Black thumb strikes again

Flu Haiku

Fevered thrashing,
a plaintive cry in the night:
He wants his Mommy.

Rejection letter haiku

Dear fill in the blank:
Sorry for the form letter
and thanks for the stamp

Another silly song

Prompted by that slim, sexy guy over at DadTalk, I've written another goofy song for kids. He's asking readers for their very own, personal, made-up children's stories, but I have problems with Selective Attention Deficit, you might say, and ended up writing a song instead.

Being musically clueless, I had no tune in mind. You'll have to make one up.

The Dinosaur Song
Great big dinosaurs come out to stomp around
Their great big footsteps shake and quake the ground
They can flatten mountains into a tiny mound
And their great big roars are quite a scary sound

They have big, shiny teeth that they brush twice a day
Or their smelly bad breath would chase their friends away
They’d be very sad without other dinosaurs to play
So they eat chocolate mints served on a silver tray

They wear funny hats that fall down around their eyes
Around their long, thick necks they might wear purple ties
They’re nicely dressed, considering their size
They listen to their Mommas, who must be very wise

Have you ever seen a dinosaur sipping spearmint tea?
They’re much more polite than either you or me
They never throw a tantrum in front of company
And they give up their seat to someone elderly

So if you see a dinosaur stomping down your street
With polka-dotted sandals upon her scaly feet
You might invite her over for a bite to eat
Some daffodils or pansies might make the perfect treat

With a big, toothy smile and great, green-eyed wink
She’ll pen a thank-you note in disappearing ink
And offer to wash all the dirty dishes in the sink
Sure makes you wish they hadn’t gone extinct

Birthday haiku

Ugly new wattle,
pale vellum on which I scrawl
the passing of years.

Bathroom scale haiku

Numbered dial spins
for my daily weight roulette:
Yes! I lost three pounds.